With each new year comes the sense of a new beginning. And with new beginnings come a sense of obligation to come up with something new (or more likely, something to fix). Of course, this sense of new beginning brought on by the new year is quite arbitrary. I mean there is no real reason that all of your new goals can't take effect tomorrow. So why do it when everybody else does?

In fact, why set resolutions at all? And why do we always set way more resolutions than we can ever possibly achieve, so that after two weeks they are too many to remember and hold ourselves accountable for?

Why? Because we are jackasses. We love to never learn from our mistakes. We, as a species, love to fight evolution. For some reason, deep down, we fear effectiveness. "If evolution is gonna happen, fine! But I'm not gonna help it along." This is how we go about things. It is a lazy strategy that suits us fine. The more effective we become the more responsible, and thus older we feel – and no one likes to feel old. Just ask Joan Rivers or Luke Perry (he doesn't like to feel untalented either, but that's another article).

Another big problem is that resolutions are by nature serious, and thus very boring. We need a program we can stick with. Otherwise, we will never effect change in our lives. As I've always said, nothing leads to laziness like boring shit.

To combat this, I recommend a unique strategy. I have been practicing it for years and it has both worked very well and gotten me into lots of trouble. It involves embracing your own personal evolution, while simply keeping the attitude and ideas of youth alive and kicking.

So here now, some things you can do to improve your life, evolve as person, but also enjoy yourself along the way"


  • Keep a schedule, but also schedule in naps.
  • Spend time improving your mind, but also randomly throw temper tantrums.
  • Eat with your mouth closed, but every three days spit your food at someone.
  • Wake up on time, but then snooze four hundred times.
  • Get dressed for work, but only on casual Fridays.
  • Never miss naked Mondays.
  • And on naked Mondays, always wear sunglasses (trust me.)
  • Watch the news, but make sure the "News" you watch is preceded by "E!" and followed by "Daily."
  • Make fun of three people every day (at least behind their backs, or quietly to yourself.)
  • Think you are better than most people you meet.
  • Then walk into a closed door and realize you're an idiot.
  • And then realize that if you're an idiot, how fucking dumb do these people you're meeting have to be?!?
  • Smile. But also smile a lot while drinking Oreo shakes.
  • Be nice to people with Down Syndrome.
  • But also use the word "retard," just because it's funny.
  • Make "To Do" lists. But always include "sleeping in" and "masturbating."
  • And never finish more than forty percent of your daily list (if you did, what would you have to do tomorrow?)
  • Become successful.
  • And then blow your money on stupid shit.
  • Live with the philosophy of "seize the day!"
  • And then wake up at noon, so you really gotta hustle!
  • Be responsible.
  • And also do whatever the fuck you want!

You must find this balance, for it is this dichotomy that will keep you moving. And keep you laughing, which is always necessary to keep you wanting to keep on moving. So Happy New Year! If you choose to use the start of the new year to set some goals, then good luck. And don't make your resolutions boring! Or do, and then don't follow them. Either way.

Ben Gleib has performed on CBS' "The Late Late Show," and you can watch his comedy videos at GLEIB.COM