After reading Mr. Streeter Seidell's latest update I figured I must act quickly! Now is that perfect time of winter vacation where the family members go back to work, younger siblings go back to school, and it's open season on fucking a chick you went to high school with on her parents bed. Probably the very same bed she was manufactured on! Chicks love when shit comes full circle. Like especially them. Chicks love to come in their circles.

There's still a precious few weeks before we all have to go back to fucking regular old dumpy sweater-clad college girls. Now is the perfect time to do what God intended all of us to do during the middle of the day while the grown-ups go to work and the children go to school… make sweet unprotected love with old fellow-bored alma mater mates with soap operas playing in the background. Nothing in this world beats doin' it at 2 PM. It just makes everybody feel really good. There's a two on the clock just like there's two of us in this bed, baby. And if you're a real hero then at 3 her little sister will be home from high school, and then there will be three of us in this bed, baby.

Luckily Hollywood has decided this year to chip in to your conquest of blogarting every girl from two years ago's list by releasing the biggest crapstorm since several days ago when all those island people died. That reminds me… What gave Miss Thailand the edge when she won the beauty pageant? That killer wave. If that was too soon, then get ready to buckle your soonbelts. Why did she lose the beauty pageant? Because she was a naked bloated corpse floating in filthy water. Yikes! My boarding pass to the Hell Express just arrived.

Yes, even Tinseltown is chipping in. The Polar Express? I walked off that train. I'd rather see the Bi-Polar Express. It's the story of a fat woman who gives out gifts on Christmas in New Jersey known as my mom. The sequels out there now are all utter filth, from Oceans Douze to Blade Threezies to Meet the Flubbers. And the new stuff is old stuff. Fat Albert? Yes that film is an instant 4 star classic. But I'm only gonna see it once. How many times can I cry my eyes out both laughing and while being emotionally touched. Bill Cosby takes either Keenan or Kel to the grave of the actual Fat Albert he based his comedy on. Guess what, friends? That's not me being a rascal, that's really in the movie. And it's uncomfortable.

So maximize this time you have now gang. The nice thing about girls you went to high school who are now college girls home and restless… they ain't looking for a long distance relationship. They're just lookin to get cookin'. So get ready to put your rook in. And no banging ex-girlfriends! That's too easy. You'll thank me when you're at your 10 year reunion and all your old friends are flabbergasted at all their old fantasy girls you conquered. Remember it's a new year. You're awesome. And a whole other new year starts when you go back to school. Rock.

Before you check out these hotlinks, please tell me that you get the joke behind this t-shirt. Hint… Mugatu. Got it? Good. Now have a bitchin' weekend!