Your parents always told you that hard work was the only road to success, but if they're so "successful" why are you stuck with all these student loans? The correct response is, "Dad, you're a failure. You didn't win that Grammy; you bought it on Ebay with the money you earned shining shoes at the bus station! I'm cheating!"
Now that you're on the trolley, you have to think strategy. Sadly, insipid sitcoms have ruined most of the best means of cheating. If you really want to make the metaphorical grade, it's time to make some revolutionary changes, like when they added Jesse's babies to the cast of Full House and the show kept getting better and better. Two sets of adorable underage twins in one show? Pedophilo-tacular! Here are some new techniques to help you squeak out that 2.0 GPA. And if it doesn't work, junior college is still college! Sort of.
The Bait-and-Switch. Don't study for your exam. When the test starts, get a quick feel for the format of the exam. If it's four essays, just bang out four essays about anything marginally related to the course, but make absolutely certain they do not address the question asked. If the question is about symbolism in Don Quixote, then write an essay about the imagery in The Great Gatsby (Obviously, neither novel contains symbolism or imagery). Your poor assistant professor, eating canned soup in his unheated apartment while he battles for tenure, will surely think that he gave you the wrong exam, and will probably panic and give you an A so he can go to Starbucks faster. He's finally going to talk to the cute barista he's been telling his mom he's dating.
The Nonattend. Make like your deadbeat father and never show up. If the class is large enough, you won't be missed, and then when you get a zero on the exam, the professor obviously lost it. You'll probably end up having to take the exam, but you'll buy yourself valuable study/mistake-sex-with-high-school-girlfriend time over winter break. In the South, we used to call it "Christmas break," but then we heard a rumor about people who weren't Christian. Oh, the things the liberal media will tell you!
The Giveaway. Write the name of the class on the inside of your palm. When the professor hands you your copy of the exam, feign cheating by conspicuously look at the word written in your palm. Look deep into your professor's sad, lonely eyes and share a laugh over such a ridiculous way of "cheating." You'll share a good, academic laugh at some dry wit. He'll never even think to check for the rest of the cheat sheets hidden on your body; he'll think you're just that committed to the joke. Yes, professors are smart, but they also think they look good in tweed. They can be fooled.
Of course, sometimes you'll get caught, leaving you exposed and flapping coldly in the wind like Tara Reid's left breast at any bar she's ever visited. You might as well go ahead and write your apology letter, but if you're so lazy you have to cheat on a comm exam, you should probably just get a nerd to do it for you. Okay, I'll do it, but only if you'll act like I'm cool.
Dear Dean of Not Cheating,
By now, I'm sure you've heard a lot of crazy rumors about me cheating. Let me assure you that even though all of my parents died in some mining accidents and then the people at the orphanage swapped me to Gypsy slave traders for a foosball table, I have never believed in taking the easy way out. And even though that anti-Semitic professor made a couple of passes at me when he was on coke, I'm not going to make a big scene in public. I'll take whatever punishment you want to hand down; please break the news more gently than you told your own children about your own rampant infidelities. The housekeeper? Jesus, I'm sure she smelled like Pinesol and shame! But I digress.
Honestly (get it?),
(your name here)
And remember, under no circumstances should you cheat if failing a course would give you a GPA of 0.69. Yes, junior year can last a few extra semesters, but a hilarious sex-related number joke will make you a legend in your frat. And legends never die. Except for Ronald Reagan. Man, is that guy ever dead!
1. Dean and Matt both have columns out today, so check those.
2. If you're home in LA this break, stop by our charity comedy show for ChooseToLaugh at the Hollywood Improv, this Wed. dec 22, 10pm. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org for comp tickets. CH writer Amir will be there. But no autographs please (he doesn't know cursive.)
3. Thanks to MagazinesForCheap (Maxim and Stuff for $10)for sponsoring this update. Now, hotty hot hotlinks.