Hello? Lindsay? Hey, how are you? What's that, you and Wilmer broke up? Oh my God, I had no idea you two were on the skids. I'm so sorry to hear that, what happened? Typical" what an asshole. You know, I never thought you two were right for each other anyway. You're so much more talented than him.
What's that? You don't think anyone will care about you anymore now that you don't have Wilmer? Puuuullleeeze! If anything, Wilmer was holding you back. What's he going to do now? "Hey, I'm Wilmer Valderama" Look at me, I'm on a TV show with Ashton Kutcher" take my picture." Yeah right, he's so done he's setting off the smoke alarm. Now you can fully explore all of your talents like having a big rack and red hair.
Of course you'll find someone. Don't talk like that, Lindster. You're hot you're young and you're box office gold. Yeah, I know, I heard what they said on "Access Hollywood" too. Of course it's not true. Nobody thinks you're a hard-partying, talent-less, "it" girl. What do they know anyway? They said that kid from "American Pie" was gonna be the next Dustin Hoffman.
Hold on, I have another call coming through" .Hello? Oh, hey Wilmer, I heard what you did to Lindsay. No, I don't want to talk to you about it. I don't care, man, how could you? If I was in L.A., I would beat your ass, man. No, I don't want to come to your birthday party. What? You gonna cry? Awwww, maybe you should have thought about things before you acted. No, we can't still be friends. Why don't you and Freddie Prinze Jr. go and have an ice cream together at the Has-Been Café. Don't call me anymore.
Lindsay, you still there? Ok, guess who called? Yeah, it was Wilmer. He was crying because I told him that I didn't want to be his friend anymore. What? I can still be friends with him and you wouldn't care? Lindster, would I do that to you? Of course not, babes. How could I stay friends with someone who hurt my best-buddy so bad? Who's my number one lady? C'mon" who is she? That's right, you!
Lindster, don't cry" oh no, baby, don't. I can't stand hearing you cry. You know what, forget my plans, you need me now. I'm getting on the next plane to L.A. I remember when things between Nora and I ended, you were the first one at my apartment with hugs and chocolate. I've never forgotten that and I have the same for you" well, I'll get lactose-free chocolate because of your irritable bowel syndrome. Yeah, send a driver for me. I'll be at LAX in five hours. What? You need me to go to the liquor store for you? No prob. I'll get a big bottle of Caring and a huge bottle of Friendship" and some gin.
1. Aaron Karo has a new issue of Ruminations out today, so check that out.
2. If you live in LA, we're putting on a CollegeHumor comedy night at the Improv in Hollywood- this Wednesday night at 10pm. Info is here. Tickets are free if you e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org with your name. It's gonna have some really funny people (Steve Hofstetter from CH, Dan Levy from MTV, and Ben Gleib from National Lampoon), so be there.
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