Wow. Can you believe it's been a week since the election? No? That fact isn't remotely novel or insightful? Well, after a tiring and intense political season, just one thing remains certain- Dick Cheney's daughter is a convicted arsonist. So, we thought we'd take a reflective look back at the key issues affecting what may turn out to be the most hotly contested election of our generation.
The Importance of Swing States- My friend Lesley told me at a bowling alley that the theme songs to the TGIF lineup classics Full House and Family Matters were the same song just with different lyrics. After intense research, I have concluded that though the two songs do sound much alike, perhaps even written and performed by the same people, they are in fact two distinct songs.
The Gay Marriage Issue- I had a dream I was Asian. When I woke up, I was disoriented.
The Youth Vote- Lesley (the same TGIF liarpants) had a friend who's family hired a yard man like 15 years ago his name was Bombanicious. Like BOMB-anicious. And he was the coolest. They always paid him in cash weekly. One day, they didn't have cash so the Dad said, "Hey Bombanicious I'll write you a check how exactly do you spell Bombanicious? And the B-man answers, "Just make it out to J.C. Greene." Turns out this family, for 15 years, had been calling this guy Bombanicious, when actually, when he had introduced himself the first time, he had muttered "Call me by my initials." True story.
Taxes and the Economy- How upsetting was it to see Ryan back in Chino with Theresa? I mean, everybody knows it's Eddie's kid, right? It, like, so can't be Ryan's. God I hope Seth and Summer get back together- it's so not fair to blame him for leaving. I'm just glad Luke is back in jock-bully mode. Sensitive hospitalized Luke was making me lose faith in America's beloved "hunky asshole" demographic. Honestly, I'm just looking forward to another season of amazing dialogue such as:
Julie Cooper: I haven't been returning your calls and I blocked you online.
Luke: You blocked me? I just thought you were signed off!
The War in Iraq- My roommates and I recently started participating in a sport called "mantlepiecing." While not too popular now, I'm pretty sure mantlepiecing will be at least as popular an American pasttime as Jai-Alai by next spring. Basically what you do is bring a framed photo of yourself to a party and when nobody's looking, place it somewhere prominent in the person's home, preferably mixed in among their regular photos. This accomplishes two things. One, everyone at the party will think you're a close personal friend of the host. Two, the next morning during clean-up, there will be enough head-scratching and "WTFs" to last a few weeks. Go ahead- get yourself a 3×5 frame and give it a shot.
"The Moral Vote"- I recently read that in a poll conducted by General Mills, close to 98% of Americans surveyed believe that the Trix Rabbit deserves to get his Trix. After hours of introspective and soul-searching debate, my friends and I came to the conclusion that he shouldn't, based on the following simple hypothesis.
a) Like all people and animals, the Trix Rabbit deserves what's best for him.
b) Getting the Trix is the rabbit's sole purpose in life.
c) Since the rabbit's only goal in life is to acquire the Trix, once he does so, he will no longer have a purpose in life, causing him to wander back into the woods and live the rest of his short, empty life an unemployable, freakish, has-been.
d) Trix are for kids. Duh.
Neil has a new column out called Democracy? It's sensational! so check that. Thanks to RateMyProfessors for sponsoring this update. So after you're done badmouthing your profs, check out these hotlinks.