In 2002 Mitt Romney successfully led the Winter Olympics Organizing Committee to financial success as CEO. His corporate experience saved the financially troubled games. But the Committee rejected his ideas for new Olympic events. These event ideas were lost until now.
? Men's Starched Shirt Hold-Still (Timed) Participants must hold absolutely still for five minutes while wearing a white starched shirt. Pomade is optional; bonus points may be awarded for exceptionally plain hairstyles. Winner is determined by movement measured with yard sticks (plans for future Hold-Still competitions included a budget for laser-measurement devices for added accuracy). Ability to bore audience is heavily weighted in judging.
? Men's Entitled Heritage Competition Participants sign up for the competition months in advance. A team of notaries researches participants' lineage, inheritance, etc. Winner is chosen based on personal worth, as well as "illustriousness" of father, grandfather, etc. Participant attendance at actual ceremony is optional; one may send one's butler, valet or personal assistant in one's stead.
? Men's Extended Draft-Deferment Competition Participants enroll in higher education, travel overseas, re-enroll in higher education, all to avoid military service. Bonus points awarded to anyone who seems oblivious to the fact that a war is even going on.
? Men's 500 Billion Dollar Money Relay Make as much money as possible using other people's liquidity as investment capital. Immediate disqualification if a participant incurs any personal, financial, or professional risk. Involvement in running the acquired companies is optional, but not recommended.
? Men's 100 Meter and 400 Meter Gay Bash Participants run a predetermined distance while shouting anti-gay rights slogans, anti-gay pejoratives, and equivocal arguments against gay marriage and civil unions. Anyone seen running like a fruit is immediately disqualified.
? Women's 1k Meter Un-Gay a Gay Person Female participants have 1 kilometer to un-gay a gay man/woman using any means necessary. It's a choice.
? Singles Mistaken for a Nordstrom's Mannequin Each participant must dress up in his or her finest suit (pants suit for female participants) and hold absolutely still. First participant to be mistaken for a Nordstrom's mannequin is awarded gold. Points will be awarded to participants mistaken for bespoke shop mannequins. No points awarded for lower-level department store mannequins (JC Penny, Sears, etc). Participants mistaken for Target mannequins will be stripped of their clothes and publicly flogged. Participants may simultaneously compete in Men's Starched Shirt Hold-Still.
? Team Synchronized Mistaken for a Nordstrom's Mannequin Same as above, but with up to 8 participants per team.
? Team Polygamy Self explanatory. Only open to practicing Mormons. All marriages final.