For whatever reason, Sarah has abandoned not only her best, but the websites best weekly update: Stuff you don't Care About but will Help you get Laid.  Consequently, I have not had sex for the past three weeks, but I believe these cutting edge news stories will help men all across the country get their d wet.

So apparently Anna Nicole Smith has passed away.  Whats the deal with that? 

Someone should have told her she doesn't get the insurance money if she's the one that dies.  Am I right?

…Oh, you've already heard that….

Well, how about this gem.  Rumor has it that Britney Spears has shaved her head!  No, I'm not making it up.  See for yourself. 

Wait, you were just kidding, you've heard about that too?….

This here is a piece of celebrity gossip hot off the press.  Turns out Rosie O'Donnell kicked a sick teen and 50 of her friends off of a cruise to make room for a gay and lesbian party. 

What?  You don't give a shit about Rosie?  Damn, I guess I'm just not cut out for this job.

Let me cut to the chase.  Sarah, this is nothing more than a feeble attempt for you tool realize how much we need you; how much I need you.  I have tried to express it in comments, but I just can't express it enough.  My Fridays are virtually nonexistant without your column.  Hell, It's 9 o'clock and I'm sitting in my room typing this up.  Please come back.  Also, I love you.