Why do I like boobs so much?

One time I was talking to my friend about this girl, and how she was hot and had a massive rack. He laughed and said, "You love boobs way too much." That made me think… why is that? Why do boobs appeal so much to me? Is it the way they look, the way they feel, the fun things I can do with them? I won't lie. A lot of guys like asses or stomachs or whatever, but I already have those things on my own body. Boobs, on the other hand, are oh so much fun.

I always run upon an endless list of possible options when I encounter them, like squeeze them, jiggle them, rub them, pat them, twist them, caress them, lick them, suck them, fall asleep on them, make shadow puppets with them, take pictures of them, look them up on the internet, and brush my elbow on them when I walk by while pretending that they're not the only thing on my mind, 24/7. But what I don't understand is WHY. I have tried to figure this out ever since my balls dropped, but to no avail. However, in my journeys I have learned a few things about them, and I thought perhaps I should share with you guys the results of my research, in easy-to-understand question and answer format.

Q: Are boobs dangerous?
A: No. Their softness and relatively limited range of motion only allow them to do good for mankind.

Q: Do boobs have magical powers?
A: If you mean magic like Siegfried and Roy, with their tigers and male sodomy… then no. However, if you mean Disneyworld magic, the type that brings a smile to everyone's face and features rides like Space Mountain and Splash Mountain, then yes. They are indeed magical.

Q: Can boobs predict the future?
A: I have asked boobs many questions before, like what the winning lottery numbers will be or what the weather will be like tomorrow. I have not won any lotteries yet, but I did get a few weather forecasts, such as milky rain, blotchy snowstorm, and my personal favorite, sticky flooding. The best is the five day forecast, where storms always decrease in severity each time you ask them about the next day.

Q: Can boobs learn new tricks?
A: Depends on how complicated the tricks are. If they're simple tricks, like "the double steering wheel" or "the airbag," then they can certainly done with proper manual assistance. However, certain tricks require some natural talent, like "nips to lips" or "hide and seek with Oscar Meyer."

Q: Will I ever get tired of playing with boobs?
A: No.

Q: Who will boobs vote for in the upcoming election?
A: Well, since the vagina is voting for Bush, they'll probably vote for the other guy. Kerry will undoubtedly win with a 2-1 ratio of the total votes.

Q: What kinda TV shows do boobs like?
A: What kinda stupid question is that? Boobs can't see! Unless they're uncovered, in which case I'm assuming Family Guy or Chappelle's Show.

Q: Which boob is more powerful, Lonnie or Ronnie?
A: Ideally, they should be pretty equally matched, if you want a good game. However, what really matters is how well they work together, the teamwork.

Q: What if boobs end up taking over the world?
A: We can only hope…

Three things.

1. Steve has a new Observational Humor out today called "Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God." So check that out.

2. Streeter has a new column out called "The Trouble With Being Irish." Give that a look as well.

3. Due to popular request, we've made an ad-free version of CollegeHumor called CollegeHumor Raw. Besides being ad free, it's also got stuff that we can't show on the regular site. Anyway, Zach made a flash thing with all the info about that right here.

Now enjoy these hotlinks.