I'm back! I know for a while it seemed I disappeared from the update scene like a line of coke up Mary-Kate Olsen's nose. Well, unlike that embarrassment to the Tanner family I haven't been in rehab. No friends and hobos, my computer, after some casual "downloading," pulled a Magic Johnston leaving me with a nasty-ass virus to deal with. But that shizzle is fizzled, leaving me with plenty of pictures to get caught up on from this website's "sexual" category.

*Special thanks to all the magnanimous boyfriends who feel compelled to post naked pictures of your girlfriends. You're keeping my boner afloat on the river of white gold.

Anyway, finding myself with no computer, no AIM, no LOLs, and lots of free time, I enrolled in an independent study of film. Which really is just a codeword for the embarrassing amount of porn I have been watching lately. Though even with the limited knowledge gained from my sordid fake film class, I have still managed identify an absurd summer movie trend becoming more ubiquitous: the Hollywood cash crop known as the villain versus villain crapfest (i.e. last summer's Freddy versus Jason, this summer's upcoming Alien versus Predator).

Like a child with two black eyes, Hollywood just does not learn. Sure, for scriptwriters these movies are probably easy. Take two already established characters and pair them against each other. That's easier than an insecure freshmen girl trying to "make friends". But like that coquettish freshmen it also does a ton of sucking. These films are never good. Not even when Jesus took on The Cross in The Passion.

Getting back to this summer's big face off, Alien versus Predator, it is going to be absurd. Predator is going to own those crappy aliens like the aforementioned black-eyed kid is completely owned by his abusive father. Come on, his name is Predator implying he predates people/aliens/retarded babies. Also he looks like Little John giving him plenty of street credit.

In any case here are some of my crappy suggestions for possible Hollywood face-offs…

Michael Moore versus the Atkins diet- As Michael Moore looks to take down the Bush administration, he's inadvertently also taken down a few thousand cheeseburgers. For this documentary lets hold the politics, along with the extra cheese. There will be no right wing, no left wing, no buffalo wings; just Moore's mammoth ass in excruciating carb-less agony.
I-Robot versus Zack Morris' cell phone- For starters, Will Smith can eat a fart. The guy stinks. For this movie, instead of a superlative "I," there'll be a Y. As in Y-is Fresh Prince alive, let along making movies? I'll ruin the ending to this one and tell you that Zack's phone is actually Optimums Prime. Also, Vin Diesel's gay. That has nothing to do with this movie, just thought I'd let you know.

Bill Cosby versus the Black Community- Big Bill made a bold step from Jello commercials to social commentary. What was this dude thinking? The only brotha I can see having Bill's back is Uncle Tom, and Uncle Tom's a pussy. The key to this movie is it would have to contain the essentials of a good rap video, which are "fly-ass bitches," 40s and/or marijuana cigarettes, and a bunch of random black guys. This movie would culminate with Bill's epiphany symbolized by "brushing his shoulder off."

That Dancing guy from the Six Flag Commercials versus Megan's Law- Ok, I don't know if anyone else noticed, but that dancing old guy is a COMPLETE pedophile. He's got all the credentials of a kid toucher; those credentials being: a.) he's old b.) he drives a huge suspicious van c.) he picks up random kids. On the one hand I respect the guys work. I mean, the old coot can cut a mean rug and it's great to see him incorporating pop culture into the molestation of children. But on the other hand I hate that Vegaboys song he dances to. Get'em Megan's Law!

Thanks to these cool shirts for sponsoring this update. Now? Hotlinks.