Now, listen close, kids. Buckle your seatbelts (and if you're a hot chick, take your shirt off when you do it, and take a picture), because I'm about to tell you something your school doesn't want you to know: The object of college is not to educate yourself. And no, it isn't to get heroically drink either; they don't give degrees for beer bong proficiency (just trust me). No, what you're really "learning" in college is how to give the illusion of intelligence. You don't actually have to know a damned thing to get an A; you just have to convince your professor that you do. Pretty cool scam, if you ask me. Now, math majors can't really work any of it to their advantages, but math majors are losers. Just kidding, nerds, Jesus loves you!

How then, you ask, do I take advantage of such a scheme now that I know the secret? Good question, faithful reader. The good news is that it's really easy to pretend to know what you're talking about. For example, people tell me I'm such a genius and blah blah blah. Please. I'm dumber than that sorority chick singing along to In Da Club over there. My favorite word ever is "diarrhea." My IQ is 4. I have no idea how to do anything in calculus at all. The only foreign language I know is Southern, and even that's pretty spotty. I don't even know who my biological father is, although that's more an issue for therapy than Poli-Sci. But I digress. The point is, I can fake being smart, and now, you can too!

Interrupt your sentences with "of course" a lot. Those two words are now your best friend. It implies that whatever you're saying, no matter how stupid it is, is so logical that anybody would agree with it. Observe:

"Immanuel Kant was the father of transcendental idealism" = I am a book-copying bitch. "Immanuel Kant, of course, was the father of transcendental idealism" = I am such a genius that talking to you, professor, is beneath me. Wash my car.

Quote so much you want to throw up. I'm really surprised more people don't do this. Kids, our teachers used to be college students too. They know the bullshit game better than we do. Either that, or you go to a school with idiots at the helm, and you shouldn't even need my help getting a passing grade. The point is, what's the point of paraphrasing the text and looking stupid? You might as well toss in an entire paragraph or two at a time, and what do you know, your paper is writing itself.

Play the fake hand-raise game. This works much better in sections. Whenever there's a discussion, and someone raises their hand, pay special attention. AS SOON AS he calls on Vinnie Volunteer, raise your hand and look right at your victim. As soon as he starts making his "Look at how much I studied" argument, just point at him, nod affirmatively, and put your hand back down. Congratulations on becoming the smart but shy student! Not only are you earning a better discussion grade without actually knowing anything, but chicks will want to study with you more often. Sometimes that means sex.

SPECIAL ENGLISH MAJOR TRIPLE BONUS! Pull a Hunter S. Thompson and capitalize words at the end of the sentence for No Real Reason.Absolutely glorious. The first rule of being an even halfway decent creative writing teacher is that you must love the Hunt-man (NOTE: nobody calls him that) better than your significant other, or hand, whatever. Seriously. It's kind of creepy. Just write any sentence you want, and then see what happens when you take the last phrase and make it proper. Not MC Hammer proper, but MC Hunter proper. I guarantee you that your prof will nut his Levi's when he reads your "Then that bitch Sarah drank my beer, the Thing I Wanted Most." Uncapitalized, it sucks rival-frat dick. Hunterized, it is Pure Gold.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, my IQ is off the charts, and I was a Top 10 finisher in Iowa at the National French exam as a high school senior. But you wouldn't have guessed that, would you? Exactly. It's not how smart you are, it's how smart they think you are. Now go out there and fool somebody, sport!

1) Steve has a new column out called Paging John Hughes. So if you're into 80s movies, check that out. And speaking of Steve, he just got his own talk show on Sirius satellite radio called "4 Quotas." That should start in a few weeks, we'll keep ya posted.

2) Dean has a new issue of "A Scoop of Good Humor" out called I'd like a small fry and all the money in your register."

3) If your a sports fan, tell Steve what you think of a sports column he wrote. We're trying to figure out if it should be a regular thing.

4) These dudes are giving away iPods so check them out. Now, hotlinks!