Ah, Spring. The futon gets returned to Goodwill with 30% more stains and the school year comes to an end. Another year of knowledge under your proverbial belt. Sure, you ended up with a 64 average in British Lit (D is for diploma, as they say), but what did you really learn about the English language this year?
And perhaps more importantly, is your mental dictionary prepared for the summer? I mean, sure you know that pink and green are the colors of the summer, but are you up on the latest slang? I'm gonna guess that's a negative. So, because we like to keep our readers as hip as Pharell sporting a paper Burger King crown (so hip it hasn't even happened yet), here are a few critical new terms to add to your summer lexicon.
"Blueberry Muffin," noun. It happens every May. You come back from school only to find your female friends from high school getting fatter and fatter. The term blueberry muffin describes a girl who, despite meeting that description, continues to wear the same clothes she did in high school. If you haven't made the connection between the girl and the muffin, take a look at the part of the muffin which flops over the wrapper.
"Updating My Blog," verb phrase. Now, let me balance that out with something specifically for the ladies. The 1950's "washing my hair" excuse flippantly given to a guy for being busy on a Saturday night has been replaced for the new millenium with "updating my blog." It's the ultimate bad excuse. Girls, try telling a creepy guy that you can't go out with him this weekend because you're updating your blog and I guarantee you'll never be hearing from him again.
"Don King," verb. To Don King something means to take care of it or make it happen. Example: "Matt totally Don King'd the whole beach weekend for us." I got this straight from Jay-Z. And you can't argue with the inherent ballerness of anything coming from the mouth of the Jigga Man.
Natalie, noun. Everybody pretty much agrees that Lindsay Lohan is the new Britney, right? I mean, Britney basically threw up the white flag herself by dating her current beau. The dude seriously looks like he should be pushing shopping carts into the Wal-Mart parking lot cart corral, not fingers into Britney Spears' minge. Sorry, I'm getting off topic.
Anyway, so anytime you see Lindsay, you'll notice that she always has this one particular hanger-on girl with her. Upon exhaustive research (MTV Diary), I found out her name is Natalie. Natalie is the Smithers to Lindsay's Mr. Burns, the David Blaine to her Leo DiCaprio, the George W. Bush to her Dick Cheney. Now, nothing against Natalie in particular- she's definitly hot enough to hold her own- but there's no doubt that she's well aware of her current role as the First Lady of young Hollywood. Thus, a "natalie" is basically a toadie, a fawn, a sidekick. So this summer, get your own natalie. Or, find somebody hot and be their's.
Summer, verb. As you may have noticed, preppy is totally in right now. Update your vocab accordingly by using "summer" as a verb. And if you wanna be really awesome, don't use it in the conventional sense ("My family will be summering in Martha's Vineyard again"), but use it in a more pedestrian sense. For example, "After graduation, I will be summering in my parent's garage."
Armed with these terms and a worn-in pair of Rainbow sandals, Summer '04 is guaranteed to be the bitchin'est ever. KIT, BFF, and C-YA AT THE POOL!!!
1. Steve has a new Observational Humor out today called The Finals Countdown and Meg has a new Suite Confessions. So check those out.
2. If you need something to read this summer (like a year of Maxim and Stuff for $9.95 total) visit our sponsor MagazinesForCheap.
3. The following hotlinks have been out of school for a week and are already bored out of their minds. Please give them some much-needed attention.