After reading the last CollegeHumor update by Ricky (younger brother of site founder, Clemson Jesus Rocketfeller III) I decided to share my secret for getting some undergrad Twix in the 06. Feel free to use this sage wisdom starting in your earth "present" year of 2004. Here's the first thing I do… start hooking up with the chick. I could ask her for a "backscratch," but then again I don't want to be known around campus as "gay friend."

You see, in college if a girl and a guy are alone together ANYWHERE that means they are going to hit it like Barry Bonds low and away. So what I do is usually begin with the open mouth kissing and about 3 seconds later that leads to the ripping each others clothes off. Then I get to the penetrating. Me personally, I love the way pussy tastes because I'm straight and also a heterosexual. So the initial penetration is my tongue in her bone pouch.

Next I get her humming by rubbing her clit with my fingers while still slopping up that loose coose juice. While keeping her clit occupied with my knowing digits (the fingers being the only digits of mine this slut will ever receive) I then slide up her body and kiss her on the mouth inquiring insightfully, "Do you like the way you taste you fucking hot piece?" Now she's ready for my dickiner. Sounds like quickener, but means dick in her. I would use a condom, but I prefer sex that feels good. Also, if you use a condom there is no possible way to give or receive pregnancy, fun itchy patches, or that undeniable feeling of your load exploding into her load. Ahhhhhh, loadsplode. Ode to the loadsplode.

After that happens, I usually lean in to her and whisper encouragingly, "You're fuckin' hot, we should do this again." You see, now you're a gentleman. And a true gentleman gets the nuts outta there before this chick tries to figure out said gentleman's last name. If a girl knows your last name, she can practice saying her first name (whatever the hell that is) combined with your last name. Not good. But truth be told, most girls in college are looking to get some quick easy action just as much as the next guy. Well, not you pervert, but the guy who lives two doors down and doesn't check collegehumor.com every day and isn't excited to see how bad the Punisher is going to be and knows what outside is. He also knows that girls like doin' it too.

So hook up, do it, and keep cracking code. Remember, you're in college for movie star Christ's sake! Never again are you going to be so surrounded by beautiful horny sexually repressed longing to be liberal lovely young ladies. Unless you move to Los Angeles. But the ones in LA are battier than that crappy Lou Diamond Phillips movie. College girls are nice girls who grow up to be nice women. And every nice woman has some not so nice freaky ass college hookup story involving "too much to drink, my room-mate, and some guy who's last name I never knew and seemed two years in the future for some reason." In England, Washington DC is called London.

Anyway, two things for you to check out… One, our sponsor Drinking Stuff, which has everything you need for getting trashed. And second, these hotlinks!