A lot of people come up and ask me "Hey, Ricky, how do you make money on your website?" Well, the answer is pretty simple. We get $4 in the mail per boob per picture. For example, if today's picture update has a shot from Panama City Beach of two girls kissing each other topless, that day we've raked in $16. Not bad, considering we eat exclusively at Arby's. So with the weather getting warmer and more girls wanting to wear less, we've been doing quite well lately. Well enough, in fact, to trade in our 8-bit Nintendo for a brand spankin' new N64.
After our N64 arrived, we quickly learned that things weren't as peachy keen as they seemed. Though it was not indicated on the packaging, our Power Pad was not compatible with the N64 console. After coping with the fact that Friday would no longer be World Class Track Meet Night, we peeled the mat off the floor. Having been in the same location for a decade and half, we expected to find a lot of miscellaneous accumulated junk. But we never expected to find the gem we did. Tucked in between the pages of an old Cracked magazine was a never before printed CollegeHumor update called "The Process," which I can only believe to have been written by my older brother, who founded this website in August of '91. So without further ado, here is the lost update, reprinted in its entirety
There are two ways to get with a girl. The first is the wrong way and the other is "The Process." The Process is not illegal yet, but it should be. It's that good. It's like a really good pyramid scheme that ends with your hands smelling like a fisherman's.
To make this happen, you need to be more or less alone with the girl, and she needs to not have a problem with you. So don't try The Process on a girl who already rejected you for being too much of an asshole, because you're just going to make me look bad.
1) Ask her if she wants a backscratch. After you ask, immediately say "Is that a word?" and laugh at how cute you are. Ten bonus points if she says "Well, there's a backscratch*er*" and then agrees that "backscratch" should be a word.
2) Start lightly scratching. It's almost impossible to do it too lightly. If she starts getting red marks, you're doing it too hard. If there are all these bits of pus and dried-out skin accumulating under your nails, grab a girl who's alive instead.
3) Start dramatizing the fact that wearing a shirt doesn't do the scratching justice. This can be accomplished by scratching extra poorly where her skin is covered, and amazingly well where it's exposed.
4) Inch the shirt up a bit, hopefully to the point where it's all bunched up by her breasts. She shouldn't feel too naked at this point, but she might feel slightly uneasy if you're moving fast. Distract her by scratching her arms. It will catch her completely off guard, and feel so good that all she'll be able to think about is how good her body feels.
5) After some patience-trying, get her shirt off. A line like "Let's get this out of the way" would help, but I'm not about to put words in your mouth, dummy. Emphasizing the importance of scratching under the still-covered area will help you get the job done.
6) Undo the bra, pussy.
7) Coast for a little while, making nice chatter about what makes you happy. Don't get into your theories on a more efficient capitalism that embodies a significant number of moderate socialist principals. Just be like "Yeah, girl, I know, I know. Laying out on a blanket at the beach is nice." When the time is right, say something that has the effect of "When you're ready, you can turn over." This is probably the most crucial part of The Process saying this line just right. Make it sounds as close to the opposite of urgent as possible. Twenty seconds later, breasts.
8) Don't squeeze the breasts. Continue scratching lightly, focusing especially on the one crucial area between and above her boobs. This is the same area where guys get their first chest hair. For some reason, every girl is extremely pleased by having this part scratched. Don't dwell on any one area, though. Keep going into unexpected places like her neck and face, her arms, her sides, and her femur. BONE JOKE!
9) Now she's obviously comfortable with being a little naked around you, but there's still the matter of, well, you know- that part. Begin casually scratching the area that's directly underneath the elastic on her underwear. This ring has been pressing in on her hips from all sides since she got dressed, and could probably use some fingernailing. Do it lightly, as you have been the whole time. Right?
10) If you've gotten into her panties, even a little, there's no stopping. She is, in all likelihood, incredibly turned on at this point from all the attention and affection she's been getting. Your hand is in her underwear, which is the only thing she's wearing, and you've been treating her like a goddess for the better half of an hour. And it all started with a backscratch, which is fun to give anyway.
Congratulations, you're on the road to loneliness through an unending string of emotionally vacant but moderately validating hookups! Now go meet a nice girl, get married, then divorced right when things started looking nice and permanent, and repeat the process!
1) Offer a backscratch
2) Make it so good she has to take off her shirt, then bra
3) Let her know she can turn over when she's ready
4) Make her feel good about her breasts
5) Relieve the stress caused by overly tight panties
6) Finger her / get a Beej / go down on her / have sex / etc
7) Get her pregnant
8) "It can't be mine you can't be pregnant"
9) Ask your mom if she'll take care of it
10) Repeat steps 1-9 until too old to maintain erections or consciousness
Well, there ya go folks. Do what ya want with it. And girls- now you know the kind of shit guys will try to pull on ya. And knowing is half the battle. Anyways, Steve has a new column out called The Solace System and Dean has a new column called It's Like Riding a Bicycle. So give those a peek.
As for CollegeHumor's 500 person NCAA pool, it looks like "C. Banks" is in the lead, picking Duke to win it all. If his picks work out, he'll win a Big Shocker and the Busted Tee of his choice. If I were him, I'd go for New Mexico, because it's the coolest piece of clothing ever produced.
Now get all up in these hotlinks.