Dear Joe,

i'm still in high-school and it looks like ima be graduating this year. and i plan on goin to college, so i'm wondering, since ima be on a tight budget, what are the bare essentials for my dorm room?

inquisitively,
highschool is boring


Dear Guy Who Is Right,

How is it that you know the word "inquisitively" and not the phrase "I'm going to be?" I know. Because you're a smart guy, but you pretend to be a dillhole so people don't beat you up. Survival instinct, my friend. Well played.

So you want to know what you need for your dorm? Well, I'll tell you. Because that's what we do here at the Joe College corporate headquarters. That, and make photocopies of our asses.

First, get a black light. Once you have that, buy one set of bed sheets and never change them, forgetting that you can see certain things under a blacklight. Buy that poster with Jim Belushi from Animal House, and maybe the one of the two chicks kissing in their underwear. Don't buy frames though – no one likes a guy with class. Next, buy a conversation piece – could be a pet or a plant or a guitar. Anything that let's you say, "hey, wanna go back to my room and see my [blank]?" And of course, no college room is complete without an out of context quote from a magazine hanging on your door.

But if you want to actually have a good room, buy a few posters that mean something to you and frame em, get a nice computer because you'll spend half your time on it, and get a few organizers for your desk, shelves, and closet so you can actually make an 8×8 foot room livable. Oh, and I wasn't being sarcastic about that conversation piece. Because it just doesn't work when you say, "hey, wanna go back to my room and see my, um, room?"

Dear Joe College,

I have a problem with people in my dorm and their taste in music, I am open to all types of music but they aren't. They are convinced that any music that isn't underground is terribly bad and talentless, Or they only liked that famous band BEFORE they were famous, and now that they are famous they must suck ass. One night there were two kids that shot underground band names back and forth trying to stump each other for an hour straight. "OH, you know whos good? The Jeffery walks and talks while he groove's town project!" "Yeah, man, I've seen them like 4 times, but you know whos better? The Yonder LLama eats grass on the misty hill confessional" And so forth. How can I explain to them they are idiots?

Andy


Dear Andy,

Oh, I love the Yonder Llama. "Suicide Pantyhose" is easily my favorite song. But their first album was way better than their second, because people actually bought their second album, and their first is only available through the Vietnamese Black Market and certain locations of Best Buy.

Sorry, sarcasm hairball.

Now that that is cleared up, there is absolutely no way to explain to these people that they are idiots, though you can take solace in the fact that most people in the world are on your side here. The one suggestion I have is to tape record their idiocy. When they go back on their word in two months, play it for them. But don't tell the indie kids it's a recording of them. Say it's your favorite new underground band, "My floormates are a bunch of poser assbags."

Thanks for writing. This was Joe College saying, "An assbag is just a big bag full of asses."

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