Editor's note: Bruce and Amir both wrote updates for the Holidays and sent them to me yesterday. And since the holidays are winding up, I figure what better present to the world on the eve of a new year than a never before seen double-mega update. So, first- Amir's update:
Since I'm somewhat of a new writer around here, I fear most of you haven't gotten to know the real me. Like, how many of you knew that I got my tonsil's removed in 3rd grade? Or that I like to shoot with my right hand, but dribble with my left? Or that I am very close friends with several Hollywood A-List celebs? I recently e-mailed these celebrity friends of mine and asked them all the same question: What are your New Years resolutions? I've compiled their answers for you below. The results were nothing shy of farcical comedy.
Michael Jackson: My new Years resolution is to stop getting into so much trouble with the law! Oh, not by ceasing to tongue kiss 10 year old boys, but rather by changing the laws, and making it legal to do so. I mean, come on, I'm only human! Oh, gotta go, my Giraffe is here!
Kobe Bryant: My New Years resolution is to finish all my jobs right. Take for example, making a sandwich. So I stick my meat in, then I cream" cheese. But then, I'm gonna make sure to slice my sandwich straight down the middle and eat it so the sandwich can't tell anybody how I made it. Because lets face it, my wife hates sandwiches and I wouldn't want her to find out every time I make one. A sandwich that is.
Bennifer Affleckopez: Our new year's resolution is 800 × 600. Also, we're computer nerds.
Paris Hilton: My New Years resolution is to make no more stupid mistakes. Like the time I wore a pink tanktop with blue Minolo Sandles to the MTV Euro Music Awards, that was probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done.
Milton Bradley: I'm going to bring you many more games this year, I promise. I know I hit a bit of a lull after SORRY came out in 1982, but, people still play the Game of Life right? Right
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: Our New Years resolution is to scour the Internet, page by page, looking for every website devoted to us turning 18 years old. Then, on our birthdays, we are going to give beejays to every last owner of those websites. Because we think lameness is hot.
And Bruce's update:
Oh Christmas vacation. Oh blessed night is this. What a wonderful thing to go back and spend time with loved ones. To put things in girls you had crushes on in high school. To celebrate a new year, and to reflect on a past one. To watch proudly as your hot vomit melts the cold, cold snow alongside your sister-in-law's sister. To receive. to give. As blow jobs is to no phone numbers.
Oh Chanukah vacation. Oh festival of lights. Oh family members terrified of leaving home states. What a true gift it is to realize how little best friends from home really know about you. What more, is that you know far less of them. Terrific. A miracle indeed. A miracle that you lived inside that strange woman for nine months and it pains you to look directly at her without wincing or audibly sighing. Oh holy night. Oh tiny child. Oh shut your fucking kid up two rows in front of me on the plane more like an airvan. The mexican guy next to me loved Golden Globe nominee Seabuiscuit. He kept giving the thumbs up to the tiny screen. Oh to see Seabuiscuit as it was meant to be seen- at 3500 feet drunk and on demerol sitting next to Eberto y Roper a la Cinemacho. Oh holiday vacation. Oh special time is this. Oh England why do you call a vagina a fanny? Oh right, it makes perfect sense. I wish upon all safe travels, ridiculous hook-up stories, and a list of new year's resolutions each more outlandish and unattainable than the next.
So how did it work out? OK? Yeah, I totally agree that that one update by that one dude is better than the one other guy's. Steve has a new Observational Humor, so check out that. And also, here are some hotlinks. Happy new years!