Who is it that gets so drunk that they can't think to throw up in the toilet instead of the sink or the shower? Yes, sinks and showers both have drains, but neither of them flush. And it may just be my sink, but I don't think nachos and pizza are drainable foods.

Men and women come home drunk differently. Women will perk up suddenly, yell about how much fun they had at the bar, and then stumble into a wall or fall on the floor, laughing hysterically about how they can take care of themselves. Guys will perk up suddenly, fight off their friend that is holding them up, and then stumble into a wall or fall on the floor trying to take a swing, shouting something about how they can take care of themselves. The next day, neither will have any idea how the guard possibly knew they were drunk.

The second worst thing in the world is to wake up after a long night of drinking and see vomit on your floor. The worst thing is to realize that it's not yours.

When you come back drunk, for god sakes, do not check your e-mail. And if by some chance you do, never hit "reply to all".

So many times, I talk to my friends the next day after a bad night drinking and they say the college student's mantra: "I'll never drink again." I've learned that in college, the word "again" really means "til Thursday."

Like this column? Then buy the book!