A lot of people ask me what I'm going to do after graduation. I think I'll go to dinner with my parents, then drink a whole lot and pass out. You pretty much have to write something in masking tape on your mortarboard-the space is too good to waste. I'm deciding between "thank you, Spark Notes," "for a good time, ask," and "brought to you by yahoo.com." Graduation robes are so weird. Why do we only look educated after we dress up like giant colored snow angels? Graduation is a huge step in a young adult's life. Hooking up with a college student goes from encouraged to sketchy in just three hours. They tell us not to throw our hats because it's dangerous. They're talking to people who spent the last four years drinking ourselves to sleep on the weekends, taking no-doz to study on the weekdays, subsisting solely pizza and Chinese food, and braving communal bathrooms regardless of whether or not we remembered to bring our shower shoes. If that didn't kill us, I don't think we have to worry about an out of control hat. Like this column? Then buy the book!