Everyone knows that when they go home for the summer, they try dialing 9 to get an outside line. But the worst are the people who go to schools with seven-digit access codes. There's got to be some old woman out there that has my access code as her phone number, wondering who the hell keeps calling her at 2:00 AM trying to get some pizza. How do people sleep through their phone ringing 50 times? If the phone ringing for 5 minutes straight doesn't wake you, why the hell do you own an alarm clock? When you get that system recording on a college voicemail, you don't pay much attention to it. But did you ever wonder how she got the job? What, did she bring in her home answering machine as her demo tape? "I've mostly done local stuff, but I was really thinking of branching out, you know, getting more exposure. Where do I see myself in five years? 'Hello. The current time is 3:00 PM.' I know that's reaching, but a gal can dream, can't she?" I had a class once where this one girl got calls on her cell phone almost every day. I'm not sure which was harder to believe that she was so dumb that she never once thought to shut her phone off, or that she could carry on a conversation well enough to make someone want to call her between the hours of 2:40 and 3:55 every Tuesday and Thursday. Why is it that the technology for call-waiting eludes most major universities? "Sure, we have call waiting here. Just press 8, followed by the pound key, and your seven digit access code. Then, hang up for no less than three and no more than four seconds, and enter your current weight, followed by your sixth grade locker combination. To return to the first call, simply repeat those steps, in descending alphabetical order." When anyone looks at colleges, they should look for academics, sports, a social scene, and a decent phone system.Like this column? Then buy the book!