Naked GuyHostels might be pretty liberal places, where men and women sleep en masse in the same room, but there is always one guy who will test the limits of decency, parading around all day in nothing but boxer-briefs that are much more brief than boxer. He also never leaves; when you wake up him and his visible package will be milling about the kitchen, his junk will greet you when you come back from your afternoon sightseeing, and when you go to sleep at night his outlined dong will be there to tuck you in. Also, he will always be skinny with weird nipples that you can't stop looking at. I don't know why, but this is always true.
The biggest crime, of course, is that there is no female equivalent to this hostel guest.
The Chef"The kitchen is for community use, but please clean up after yourself!" reads the sign in every hostel, and yet there is no mention of garlic and onions, which The Chef will use liberally while cooking all three meals, every day. This person will be there when you check in and will be around for the entire duration of your stay; in all likelihood they've been evicted or are fleeing from their mother country for poisoning their neighbors, and have now moved in to the hostel.
There is a version of this guest that only cooks delicious smelling meals, and they are an even bigger asshole, as there is nothing worse than waking up to the smell of bacon only to realize that you can't have any and you are in a foreign city with no idea how to find a good restaurant. If you ever wonder who actually labels and stores anything other than beer in a hostel refrigerator, it is this person, so feel free to steal this person's food in the rare instance they leave the kitchen area. They deserve it.The Snorer I would rather try to sleep on an active construction site in the middle of a Puerto Rican Pride Parade than through someone snoring loudly in a hostel; at least my white guilt would prevent me from sincerely wanting to commit murder, which is what I contemplate as I lay in an uncomfortable bed next to The Snorer. This person has to know they snore as loudly as they do, at some point a family member or roommate must have tried to smother them to death with a pillow, and yet they still insist on ruining 12 people's days because it's 4 Euros cheaper than getting a private room. They are just like someone who knows they have an STD and still has sex without a condom, only worse, because there's no special shampoo that can get rid of them.
WalkaboutIn a quest to make Americans only look like the second biggest assholes in the world, Australians often take a year off in between high school and college in order to get drunk all around the world. Equipped with an adorable accent, crazy stories about his/her travels through every continent on Earth, and an enviable tan what could go wrong with hanging out with this Aussie? You'll remember after they take four shots and need to be forcibly removed from the bar that despite their experiences they are, in fact, 17 and a half years old. If you wanted to get drunk with annoying underage kids you would be in a hookah bar, not a hostel. Speaking of which
The David SpadeThis is the guy who is way too old to be staying in a hostel. If you're 45 and don't have the financial stability to stay in a hotel, or find the lack of 19 year old girls there disturbing, you are probably not an ideal person to share a bunk-bed with. If you are this guy, please note that having a ponytail does not make up for the fact you are balding, and "are you guys on Facebook?" is not a good pick-up line.
Daddy's Visa-Carrying PrincessThis girls would normally stay in a hotel, but are deciding to slum it so they can get a real cultural experience, and to show Daddy that they are fiscally responsible adults (who really need a new clutch when they visit France, and like, it's on sale for only 500 Euros!) This experience involves them saying "um ew" to anything they wouldn't see on their Connecticut estate. On local guys "One just literally tried to dance with me at this club. Um ew!"On geography "You live in Bratislava? Like from Eurotrip? Isn't that in like Czechoslovakia? Um, ew." On local girls "is she really wearing Hollister? Doesn't she know that's only for 15 year old Asian girls? Hold on I just got a BBM from my friend back home. Oh my God, Madison hooked up with Logan when they were at Amherst for the weekend! What were we talking about? Oh right, Hollister. Um, ew!"
Ironically, you will wake up to find this ever-disgusted Princess crammed into a twin-sized bed with Naked Guy, resting her head directly on his weird nipple.