-The world hates you. Yes, that's right" you, the average American college student. To adults, you're not old enough to have anything important to say or do. To the young, you're nothing but their loser cousin who used to be good looking but went to college and got fat. To those of our own age who did not go to college, you're just a pampered rich kid with no work ethic. In a way, all of these people are correct. Think about it. What do you spend your days doing??? Drinking? Doing drugs? Playing video games? Trying to convince that girl from Psych that you didn't know you had the clap?

-However, while our detractors may have some good points, I believe we, the collegiate set, are responsible for some of the most creative and useful inventions in the history of the world. All of these entries will further prove my point that college kids are, by far, some of the most creative and intelligent beings on the planet. Here they are" the top ten. (Hey, if you have one you think should be on here, email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com with the subject line being "inventions")

-10. The Frat Paddle- Ranging from amusing to terrifying, the frat paddle is the one object that can strike fear and amazement into the hearts of pledges nationwide. This object, originally associated with S&M has been adopted by frats world wide as a symbol of (somewhat gay) male bonding. Consult any college movie ever made and the ominous frat paddle will appear usually with a catchy saying written on it. Because of the world wide fame the frat paddle has achieved, it has earned its number 10 spot on my list.

-9. The keg stand- Why just fill up your beer when you can drink straight from the keg upside-down? That's a question some bored college kids must have asked themselves 50 years ago and, thanks to them, we now have the keg stand. Defying gravitational law, the standee transcends the age old mantra "you cannot drink while on your head." A masterful mix of acrobatics, timing and breathing, the keg stand has conquered the world and can be seen appearing at house parties across the country.

-8. Streaking- Hmmmm, I wonder how I can see people naked without that whole awkward "relationship" thing. Ah HA! Streaking! It's like skinny dipping" but on land! This quasi-sport first began appearing on college campuses sometime around the sixties and has only grown since then. Always a carefree way to spend an evening, streaking combines the skill of a distance runner with the humor of balls flopping up and down.

-7. Mono- Or, to be more precise, mononucleosis. This excellent viral infection has taken the college world by storm. Almost certainly first witnessed at UConn in the early 40s, mono may have been around much longer undetected since its symptoms (tiredness, vomiting, sweatiness, felatio-related neck pain, etc" ) are normal for even healthy college kids to show. If your roommate were to sleep all day, vomit a few times, and bitch about how, even when he is awake, he is always tired, you would not think he has mono, you would think he is a normal college student. And since mono is spread through drunkenly hooking up with people you don't know, it is the official STD of Spring Break!

-6. Beer Pong/Beirut- Call it what you will, apply what rules you may, but no matter how you play the basic premise is still the same. This isn't your father's ping pong. When someone combined the two heavily competitive sports of table tennis and binge drinking, they invented beirut and college was never the same again. Every player has their own strategy, whether it is blowing on the ball before it is thrown, bouncing it to gauge its weight, or just having a girl flash your opponents, they are all good. Unlike other drinking games that make the loser drink, beirut "punishes" the winners by making them stay on the table for another round! What divine humor!

-5. Shot-gunning- Bored with the regular (pop, drink, crush) method of drinking canned beers, college kids needed to devise a quicker more efficient way to consume. Some genius worked out that if you pop a hole in the bottom of the beer while the top has not been opened yet, the beer will not erupt from it. The physics behind it are quite complicated but they basically work on the assumption of a high pressure, low pressure equilibrium disturbance based off of Marconi's principle of weight to sterilized pressure ratio" .or, in other words, making the beer rush into your mouth very quickly. Best of all, you'll forget about how "great" that Keystone Light tastes because it will be gone and down your gullet before you even have time to think.

-4. The Gravity Bong- Stoners have always been known to have clever ideas (tie dye, religion, the bagel pizza, Easy Mac, etc" ). But the gravity bong tops them all. They are easy to make and easy to use but, like shot-gunning a beer, they work on scientific principles. Why waste time lighting a relighting a bowl when you can just push down on a half soda bottle and inhale 30 cubic feet of smoke. One hit is all you need (so I'm told). Some have even been known to decorate the water with goldfish" how cultured is that!

-3. Cheating- Seriously, who can really pass college. There are so many distractions (sex) that one has a hard time concentrating on one's studies. That's why college kids sometime in the Middle Ages invented cheating. Sure, if you get caught you won't be coming back to school. But we college kids are always staying one step ahead on The Man. Cheating is by far one of the most efficient forms of study there is; it takes almost no time at all, it's fun, and, as long as no one finds out, it makes you look smart. And thanks to Texas Instruments and their TI-83 Plus calculator, cheating is almost a universal pastime now.

-2. Campus Activists- The people we all love to hate! Some (a very few) college students feel bad that they are getting a good education and decide to help others. What a joke! The campus activist is a rare breed of student no matter what PCU says. Most kids don't have to time to hand out flyers and speak into megaphones; there is too much TV to be watched and too much beer to be drunk. However, the few students who do "get involved" allow the rest of us almost constant amusement. Who really cares about Tibet? I know I don't. And I don't care if there's dolphin in my tuna, nukes in my backyard, or dead whales piled up along the highway. Only in a place so full of privilege and money could such outrageous and hilarious groups be fostered. Do you think the guy making $3.75 an hour at the pizza place cares about fucking dolphins? Grow up. If you really want to make a difference, you better make some money first. But don't stop being activists on campus" you're so amusing to listen to.

-1.The Philosophy Major- If you are not convinced that college kids are the absolute most intelligent beings on earth by now, you will be shortly. The philosophy major is one of the most creative and devious inventions ever, and it was all done by college kids. Tell me, what job does a philosophy major get after college? Can one apply to be a philosopher? Is there even such a thing as a philosopher nowadays? Sure, it was fine in ancient Greece to sit around and talk about things while eating grapes and fondling little boys, but those days are long gone. With the way the world moves today, you'd be lucky to get a glass of Merlot and an over-the-pants hand job from a Pilipino boy prostitute. Basically, the philosophy majors of the world have convinced everyone that they are studying this mystifying art of deep, meditative thinking and that, due to the mental nature of this, they will be very alert businessmen and lawyers. What they are actually doing is taking classes about thinking about bullshit like, "Where do we go when we die?", "What is right?" and, "but why?" By the time they have graduated, they have amassed four years worth of bullshit that they can spew out to any prospective employer. Not to knock any philosophy majors out there because, as a communications major, I know how great studying bullshit is, but you are the crowning glory of the collegiate set simply for your ingenuity in convincing people that your degree is somehow applicable to the real world. Congratulations, you are the number one college invention!

-Remember, if you disagree with my rankings or inventions, email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and rectify the situation.