-Hey you there! Yes, that's right, you! Do you have a minute? Great, because I want to let you in on a little secret I call the single life. Have you heard of it? NO! Well, let me tell you then!
-For the low, low price of free, you can join now and live the life you have always wanted to. Reheated tacos, watching TV all day and even breaking wind whenever you want are all features of this popular lifestyle. Do you want to scratch yourself? Go ahead! Who's going to stop you? No one is! Don't want to clean the toilet or wash your sheets? Live in your own filth as long as you like because who will know when you are single?
-Have you ever had this problem; you really want to watch porn but your boy/girlfriend doesn't want you to? Forget about it, it will never happen again when you sign up for the single life. How about this one; you really want to go to bed but your sexual partner wants to talk about your relationship. Never again! The single life is all about freedom" your freedom.
-Be as dirty, smelly, disgusting and offensive as you want. That's the beauty of this lifestyle. Personally, I found so much happiness when I made the switch (got dumped) to the single life. To begin, I started eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. If I feel like eating Fruity Pebbles at 2 AM, then goddamnit, I will have some Fruity Pebbles. If I want to spoon mayonnaise from the jar right into my mouth with out a pesky sandwich getting in the way, then, open wide, because the mayo express is right on time!
-Another lifestyle change that came with my decision to be single was my inability to clean anything in my apartment. Why should I clean? No one is here now. No one will be here later. You can actually track my eating habits from the piles of garbage on my floor. For instance, if you took a cross-section of this filth, you would find that about three weeks ago I was really into potato chips. However, more recently, as one can see from the thin layer of cheese above the taco sauce, I have been into quesadillas.
-You too can live this fantasy life. I look out at all of you and do you know what I see? I see potential. Don't be like my roommate- always doing cute things with his girlfriend, cooking together, sharing quality time with each other, making love" Be like me instead- sitting in my room farting and laughing to myself, eating whole bricks of cheese, listening to Stacey Orico when no one is around, not cleaning myself on a regular basis. It is all the things you think it is" The single life is for you.
-So, why not join me? What do you have to lose" companionship, sex on a regular basis, love? I've had all these things before and I can tell you that you'll be much happier without them. Have you ever tried not changing your underwear for three weeks? You'll love it!
-Of course, you will be tempted to abandon the single life from time to time. All I can say is stay strong. Have faith in this lifestyle. Do you really want to start brushing your teeth again? Do you really want to have to spend money on someone else? Do you really want to have to remember such trivial things as birthdays and anniversaries? Do you really want to NOT eat ice cream straight from the carton with a spoon? And finally, do you really want to abandon me? C'mon, I need you guys" all my other friends have girlfriends to hang out with and I have no one to watch South Park in my underwear with. A vote for the single life is a vote for happiness. And a vote for happiness is a vote for Jesus. And you don't want to piss him off, do you? I didn't think so.