To President Bush,
-Hey Georgie, listen, we need to talk. The election is coming up and I know you are lagging in the northeast. It looks like Kerry will take most of the greater New York area, not to mention Massachusetts, Maine, Vermont and New Hampshire. I also know that you were born in Connecticut" like me.
-Here's the thing; we are both happy, right? I mean, you are the leader of what used to be the free world and I got laid a few days ago. There is no need to let the country know you are from Connecticut, ok? We don't want people to know that our state produced such an inept leader as yourself. I mean, let's face it, you're a pretty shitty president and Connecticut doesn't want that kind of publicity.
-We sort of have a reputation to uphold. Connecticut has always been a center of learning and progressiveness; we have Yale and Mark Twain and Louis' Lunch (the place where the hamburger was invented), so we don't really need you. And what's best is you don't need us either!
-You've got that whole Texas thing going for you. "Howdy, look at me. I'm from the United State of Texas" and I hate Mexicans! Yeehawww!" We get it, ok. You are just as embarrassed about being from Connecticut as we are. And this arrangement has worked out well for the past few years, so why change it now?
-It's like if you and a friend had really bad sex. I mean, you both were really, really bad. You are probably not going to tell your other friends about it, right? You don't want them to know that you suck in bed and she won't want to tell anyone either, because she sucked just as bad. This is like us.
-We just don't want to embarrass each other, because, let's face it, we both have some skeletons in the closet. Connecticut is investigating its Governor for misconduct, we have one mayor in jail for prostitution and Jim Morrison wrote a song about us because we locked him up. You started a war for no reason other than to get your friends some more money, you have the IQ of a 9-year-old, and you kick puppies for fun on weekends. Let's just keep all of this quiet as we go into the election season, ok?
-I hope we have reached a common precipice. You keep your mouth shut about being from Connecticut and so will we. You keep your mouth shut about going to Yale and we won't tell everyone that you were a C minus student there. You never mention that your great uncle still lives 15 miles from me and I won't egg his house on Halloween. I hope I have made myself clear. But, just in case I have used words that are too big for you, let me put it in language you may be more comfortable with" Y'all don't be telling nobody bout nothing bout where'n you was reared. An we won't be sayin nothing bout y'all bein born here neither. Y'all hear me, boy? Now, go fetch me some of your mother's fine sweet tea.
-On behalf of the Great State of Connecticut, Streeter Seidell