-It's time for another stirring edition of The Hate List. Last time, you sent your own lists in to me and I put them up. But then I got mad because I wanted to put up more of my own. So, this time, I have included some of my own plus yours, so I think it'll be a nice mix and I won't cry anymore. Keep them coming to firstname.lastname@example.org and let's let the hate flow freely like a shot of vodka down an ice luge.
-Some of Mine
-Professor But Why:
"Can anyone tell me why the hero has to cross the threshold?"
"So he can enter the story world."
"Yes" .but why?"
"So the story can progress."
"Ok" but why?"
"Because that is part of the hero's journey?"
"Yes" but why?"
SHUT THE FUCK UP! Did you even prepare a lesson for today or are you just going to ask "but why" after everything anyone says? Do you even know what you are talking about? Are you a goddamned five-year-old? I know you don't know what you are talking about so let's just cut the shit. My parents aren't paying $36,000 a year for you to ask "but why" all day long. Next time I show up to class, you better have some semblance of an idea of what you're talking about, you asshole" I hate you!
We all have this friend, the one that is constantly asking you to let them "borrow" something. "Hey man, can I borrow a smoke?" Oh, you want to borrow a smoke? Are you going to be giving it back to me? Will you be coughing up all the tar and collecting the ash to reform my cigarette when you are done? No? I didn't think so. Just ask to "have" something. "Can I borrow a bite of your cookie?" "Can I borrow a beer?" It's bad enough that this asshole is experiencing a constant shortage of everything and needs to bum off you, but he doesn't even have the nut to ask to have it. He tries to be all cute and innocent by "borrowing" things from you. I'm not digging through your shit to get my fucking cookie back, you dickhead" I hate you!
-Mr. and Mrs. My Life Story:
Why is this kid in everyone of my classes? It seems that this kid, when answering a question or asking one, must let some inane details of their life slip out. "Umm, is there a universal equation to solve quardratics, because my best friend who killed herself in high school always had problems with quadratics?" Do you want a hug? I mean, I don't want to be an asshole, but what does your mother's alcoholism have to do with The Illiad? Stop trying to get sympathy out of everyone in class. Nobody cares that your uncle used to be a coke head or that you have a blind spot in your eye. Save all these interesting facts for your one friend and stop being a goddamned sympathy whore in class" I hate you!
-Some of Yours
-Reader Shannon R. really hates: The girl in my stats class who has to remark, answer and laugh about every comment, question, and joke the teacher asks. She's the only one even awake in the class and I swear she's in love with the teacher. Jump off a bridge, I hate you.
-Shannon also hates: the idiots who pimp out there Geo Metro's and Suzuki toy cars and act like it's the next contestant in the Fast and the Furious. Putting tint on the windows and a bottle muffler does not make it a 10 second car, if you even know what a 10 second car is. Stop wasting your money on your piece of shit car and go home and jerk off. I hate you.
-Reader Michael C. really hates: The Artist, similar to the poet, but not quite the same
The artist is the skinny ugly kid who wears big old gross sweaters, wears his long pubelike hair in a ponytail and perhaps a bun, impresses people by making "funny" random/artsy/retarded comments like "wow that guy is almost as goofy lookin as a break dancin penguin (goofy annoying laugh)" which is soon followed by everyone in the immediate vicinity laughing too. The artist plays guitar or trumpet whenever he wants, singing or playing songs that nobody's ever heard. He acts as though they are well known in the way he talks about the merits of such music. This guy can draw a rhino with one of those fat "retard" pencils so well that it looks like a photograph. This fellow appears witty and cool to some, however, you know that he'll go nowhere in life, which is funny. I hate you.
-Reader Barrie G (a girl) really hates: The Too Cool To Be Happy Girl- You know those people. You're at a club, dancing, having a great time, laughing with your friends. You look to your left at some hot chick who looks like she would be having a great time if she didn't have such a large stick up her ass. She has what I call the "club face" on. A complete blank stare toward the crowd, making it look like she's way too good to be there. What is the point of this? I don't know. When I go out, I make it obvious that I'm having fun. Maybe I've been doing it wrong all along, but anyhow, Too Cool To Be Happy Girl, I hate you.
-Barrie also hates: The Phone People- These people are always around. No matter where you are, there is always the person who is either waiting for someone to pick them up, waiting in line, waiting for the bus, waiting to get laid, and they constantly check their phone. They're sitting by themselves, then they whip out their phone and check it every 30 seconds. If that's not enough, they call 3 or 4 people but they don't answer (probably because you're annoying), and then they check their phone again. Dude, get over it, no one likes you. Oh, and I hate you.
-Reader Jeremy U. Really hates: The "Huh" Kid This is the guy in the lecture hall that says "huh" or "hmm" at anything that the professor says that he didn't know before. He doesn't do it quietly either, like to his friend next to him (because he has none), he makes it known to the entire lecture of 300+ people that he is actively thinking about what the teacher is saying. One time I said "huh" to mock him, and he turned around from 4 rows in front of me to say, "Yeah I know, right?" Douche, I hate you.
-Jeremy also hates: Laptop Boy This is the guy that makes it to every lecture and pulls out his laptop as soon as he sits down. He doesn't take notes on his portable computer, he watches a DVD through the entire lecture. If you are going to watch a movie, stay in you dorm room and actually watch it without headphones. The lecture hall is not the best place for watching a movie, how can you concentrate on viewing an action packed flick when the professor keeps babbling something about the test next week. There are some kids that write papers for another class while attending lecture. It's a little better than watching a DVD because you can still listen to the professor, but still why come. If the professor was taking attendance, this tactic might make sense, but in these lectures of 300+ people the professor won't know that you are missing, and if he did, he wouldn't know who you were. So to these folks I say, "Stay in your room, don't waste precious movie watching time, or paper writing minutes to walk to class, douche." I hate you.
-A Reader that failed to give me his/her name really hates: Emo Kids- I see them everywhere with their goddamn memo books. I wish I was more emo. Maybe it would help me pick up chicks if I was a huge pussy all the time, and kept all my anger inside and presented myself as being an inadequate social failure. There's nothing more hip than looking like you know and accept that everyone hates you. Maybe I'll write a blog and list all the avant-garde local bands that my friends are in, and all the movies about crying that I have posters of, so that everyone knows that I'm a maladjusted fruitcake poseur who doesn't have any opinions. No, 'I only like sad music and foreign movies' doesn't count as an opinion. Go anger some raccoons or something. I hate you.
-Reader Julia B. really hates: The Taker- You wake up after a long night of drinking and start dreaming of nothing but the tallest glass of orange juice possible to quench that stale beer thirst. So you roll out of bed, and down to the kitchen. Open up the fridge, unscrew the OJ cap, only to find that it is empty. Now, let's just say you live in a house with three other 20-something guys and you're the only one who goes food shopping and make it clear to every one of them to not touch your fucking food. So you're pissed and drink water instead. Now, immediately following the OJ escapade, you realize you need to take a huge dump. You now wander to the bathroom and shit out twice your body weight. Go for the toilet paper only to find that the last asshole left the last 1/2 square of cottonelle on the fucking roll and there's no backup. This is the fucking guy that I hate. The 'taker,' 'the guy that loves to leave nothing,' ' the guy that loves to ruin your day with the small stuff,' or whatever you want to call it. But we always get pissed at this guy as if it were the first time this has happened in our life, and it hasn't, and we will continue to act just as pissed every other time it happens too, why is this? Now I am thirsty and have a rash" I hate you!
-My Ex-girlfriend really hates: Me- you're a big fucking asshole! What's the matter with you? Why would you want to spread hate and shit around? This is the same shit you did when we were together. That's why I dumped you, you fucking jerk. I hope you have a lonely, hate filled life, faggot!
-Surprise! I gave you crabs! Have fun with that! (bitch)
-This has been another edition of the famous Hate List. I hope you have enjoyed it. Keep them coming to email@example.com and we'll keep the hate going strong. Thank you to my readers for sending me their lists and thank you to me for making some of my own. Now, go out and spread the gospel of hate.