-When you skip a lot of class, you tend to lay in bed a lot. And when you lay in bed a lot, you think a lot. And when you think a lot, you think of some pretty crazy stuff. Now, on a recent vacation from my work, I lied down in my comfortable and spacious twin bed and began to ponder that greatest of mysteries- the difference between men and women. However, thanks to the current observational trend in standup comedy, this issue has been beaten to death, lit on fire, and urinated on. So, instead of extolling the hilarious differences between men and women, I thought I would get a little more deep on you" What if men were women and vice versa?
-As with any pseudo-fantasy, there has to be some ground rules. First, men and women would retain the same body size and shape. And that is the only rule. Everything else has been reversed: temperament, eating habits, and cleanliness, to name a few. To make this easier to swallow, I will put it in the form of a short story. That way, I can hand it in as a class assignment too!
-Tommy stood in front of the mirror on a fine Wednesday morning. In the half light of the drawn blinds, he turned sideways and sucked his stomach in. "God, I'm getting fat," he thought to himself while pinching a small roll of fat around his torso. He leaned in close to the mirror to make sure the bleach he had applied to his faint mustache had turned it transparent enough to be invisible.
-Just then, Janet, Tommy's long time girlfriend, rose from bed with a loud cough. Tommy turned to look at his girl. She never looked good in the morning. He secretly wished she would take more time to make herself look pretty, but he didn't want to make waves. Janet scratched her ass and rubbed her eyes, as her sleepiness drifted into alertness. "Holy shit, I gotta take a dump so fuckin' bad," she cooed. "I think I drank a case of High Life last night, Jesus." She said as she rubbed her blonde hair.
-Janet made for the bathroom. Tommy watched her figure slump slowly across the room. She was normal height, with a mane of blonde hair and pert breasts. As she neared Tommy, she paused. "Pull my finger," she insisted as she pointed at Tommy. Confused, Tommy tugged gently on her delicate hand. Janet farted loudly and laughed her way to the bathroom. "Ten points!" she screamed, slamming the door. Tommy stared at the door in disgust.
-On the toilet, Janet thumbed through the pages of a porno. I wish Tommy's dick was that big, she thought to herself. Grunting and breaking wind, Janet went through her morning ritual. Not able to take the noises from the bathroom anymore, Tommy put on his new Norah Jones CD at full volume. Slowly he swayed back and forth to the soothing music as he fumbled with his hair, trying to get it just perfect. "Turn that gay ass shit off!" demanded Janet from the toilet. But Tommy pretended not to hear and secretly wished Janet would sing to him like Norah Jones.
-Later that day, Janet strode downstairs in shorts and a dirty tank top. She announced that she was off to the park with her friends for a pickup game of basketball. Tommy reminded Janet that they were supposed to be shopping for slip covers that afternoon. Brushing this aside, Janet kissed Tommy on the forehead. "C'mon, Tommy. You know I hate that stuff. You just go with your friends and I'll meet you later for dinner. You'll make a better decision anyway." Inside, Tommy was crushed. They had bought this apartment together and he was the only one concerned with making it beautiful. But, on the outside, he just smiled and told Janet to have a good time with her friends.
-After Janet left, Tommy fixed himself a nice Mediterranean salad, complete with fat free feta and olives. After lunch, Tommy retired to the floor to do his AbMasters video. If Janet just wanted to eat red meat all day and not exercise, that was her choice. But Tommy was determined to look good for his girlfriend.
-Meanwhile, at the park, Janet, Stacey and Ashley were engaged in a vicious game of three on three with some other girls from around the block. Janet threw elbows and cursed the game through. "What is that shit? You gonna bring that in MY house, motherfucker?" she screamed at Tracey Halbred from down the street. Sweating and stinking, Janet and her friends rested on a bench after the game. They each took long sips from a brown bagged 40oz.
"What's up Janet? Why are you all fucking quiet today?" asked Stacey.
"I dunno girls, it's Tommy. He's fucking taking up all my time. Remember when I was single, we would always hang out? I miss that shit. It was just the girls back then."
"Yeah, but he's a cool guy. You're lucky to have him. Not a bad ass on him either," Chimed Ashley as she picked her cameltoe out.
"I guess, I dunno. Fuck it; let's go to a strip club."
"Sounds like a good idea." said the two girls. And so they left for the Hardhat.
-Tommy sat at the dinner table, a roast going cold and the candles burning down. He stared at the dinner which had taken him so long to make and began to cry. Why had Janet stood him up again? They had plans for dinner tonight, just the two of them. But Janet was nowhere to be found" probably off with her friends, getting drunk at the strip club, lighting farts on fire, the usual. "Women," he thought, "don't they have any feelings?" He was sick of Janet always playing him for a fool. Just once, he wanted to feel loved. So, Tommy sat and cried and, eventually, blew out the candles, cleaned up dinner, and went to bed alone.