-Every now and then, I get a brilliant idea. It doesn't happen everyday, but it happens enough that I should have been a millionaire ten times by now if I could just get off my ass. Just to show you how brilliant I am, I have compiled a list of some of my best ideas (and one I stole from a reader). So, here they are, My List of Really Great Ideas.-1. Cafetory- Let's just get to the facts here. The food at your school gives you the shits. There is no way around it. I had many days my freshman year when I could be spotted running from the caf with my cheeks clenched and sweating. Now, what if there was a way to ease the pain and embarrassment of having to leave all your friends in the caf to "make." There is" I call it the cafetory. Instead of having to leave the caf to go to the bathroom, why not bring the bathroom to the caf? Toilets for chairs" it's brilliant. Hey, the food is shit anyways; I'm just erasing the distinction.-2. Hot cousin swap- We all have at least one hot cousin, but we cannot do anything with them because that is illegal (in most states). So, why not have a hot cousin trade off. Each of your friends brings one of their hot cousins to a party and you play a game that can only be called redneck musical chairs. When the banjo stops, you get whichever of your friend's cousin happens to be standing in front of you. It's genius! It's brilliant! It wasn't my idea" thanks to Jon Fisher" the biggest pervert in all of America!-3. The class/cash option- We all remember the beginning of freshman year, when, during orientation, some ass sat you down and told you that every time you skip a class, you cost your parents something like $400. I was astounded by this figure and, needless to say, felt very bad. But then I dreamed up the class or cash option. Instead of wasting your parent's money by skipping class, what if your school paid you the $400 cash ever time you missed a class. This would put a lot less financial strain on your folks because you would never have to call home for money again" you could just sleep through your 8:30 Bio lab.
-4. FeBrushMyTeeth- Isn't FeBreeze wonderful? It has given a whole new definition to "clean." I never do my laundry" ever. I just spray a quick pump of FeBreeze on my dirty clothes and I smell like a prince. Now, what if that technology could be transferred to brushing your teeth? Brushing every morning and evening is such a hassle: it hurts your gums, wastes time, and, despite brushing right before I go to bed, my breath still smells like shit the next morning. With FeBrushMyTeeth, all you have to do is spray your mouth a few times twice a day and your teeth and breath will be clean and fresh!-5. Friendship Blocking- "I want to slit your throat while I masturbate on the carcass of a newborn deer." If you have ever received a message like that on your IM, then chances are you were talking to me" and chances are that you blocked me. That IM block is one of the greatest inventions (besides streaming porn video) to come out of the digital age. Not only can you slap down someone's jump shot, but after you block them, they cannot even defend themselves. I believe that this same technology should be applied to friendship. If your friend is getting on your nerves, just block him. He won't be able to spend hours defending himself and, better yet, you don't have to talk to him till you unblock him" which may be never. You hear that Todd? You're blocked!-6. University X-Mas presents- How much do you spend on college every year? $20,000? $30,000? $40,000? Whatever it is, it isn't worth it. I don't know about your school, but mine is stingy as hell. A Snapple in the caf will run you over $2 and an off campus apartment goes for over $800 a month! Now, you would figure with all this cash coming into your school, you would receive some nice perks, but you do not. That is why I propose that schools let each student choose one free item to take out of the bookstore for Christmas (or Chanukah, if that's your thing). Had your eye on that nice hoodie? Take it! Been dreaming about that sweet T-shirt? Merry Christmas! It's the least they could do, stingy assholes.-7. Oopsy Daisies Class- Based on the premise of the second chance exit, the oopsy daisies class is a 15 minute review session held immediately after class. In this review session, everything that was covered in class will be briefly reiterated and a copy of the notes handed out. Therefore, if you happen to sleep through class, you can catch the oopsy class and get all your learning done in no time. -8. The Waterproof Cell Phone- Are you kidding me? How have they not invented this yet? One in two of my friends have lost cell phones to the toilet so it just seems like the natural progression of technology. How great would it be to get in the shower and call someone? Just think of the possibilities. Imagine lounging in a pool in Cancun, a hottie on your left, a drink on your right, and calling up your friend in Minnesota to make fun of him! This needs to happen sometime soon.