Your actual Facebook news feed won't teach you anything but how many of your old friends from high school listen to Glee albums on Spotify. This news feed has real news and somehow it's even more depressing. Enjoy!
Page 1 of 2Next
News Feed History of the World: April 2012
By Susanna Wolff
Kofi Anan > Syria: Ok, Syria. That’s enough. It’s time for a ceasefire. Syria: You’re right. We’ll stop. March 27, 2012 Syrian Army: APRIL FOOL’S! We’re gonna keep killing civilians. Haha, Kofi. We got you so good. lol. “ceasefire.” The World: Can anyone explain what’s going on in the Sudan, Burma (Myanmar?), and Bahrain? Maybe Yemen too? ...Mali? I feel like I should know enough to at least nod knowingly when it comes up. April 5, 2012 Liberal Arts College Students: Where to begin. Let’s see-- The World: Nope. Nevermind. Don’t care. Liberal Arts College Students: But most nations in the world are currently fraught with unrest and protests. Don’t you feel it’s your obligation to know what’s going on? The World: I guess... Liberal Arts College Students: Cool. You should come by the peaceful protest we’re holding to protest the violent protestation of peaceful protests. The World: stfu. Mark Zuckerberg: You know what’s cool? Buying Instagram for a billion dollars. Really good deal. April 9, 2012 Apple, Inc.: Only 1 bil? Nice. I’ve got a $600 billion and I’m not really sure what to do with it. Liberal Arts College Students: You should use your money to help others. Liberal Arts College Graduates: You should use your money to help me. Please. North Korea: The Greatest Nation on Earth will test a long range missile so that our enemies may know our might. April 9, 2012 South Korea: Oh fuck. Russia: Uh-oh. North Korean Rocket: lol. what was I supposed to do? Fall apart like a pile of garbage, right? The World: haha. Rick Santorum > The United States of America: I quit. Romney can have the nomination. April 10, 2012 Newt Gingrich: Uh, aren’t you forgetting someone? I’m still in this thing. Mitt Romney: lol. The World: I think I have a lot of elections going on right now. Prime Ministers keep resigning and it’s just chaos all over. Bo Xilai: Yeah, I’m a crazy person who almost became one of the 9 most powerful men in China. Vladimir Putin: And you KNOW things are corrupt as shit in Russia. The World: See? The United States of America: Cool story, bro. The World: Do you even know what’s going on in Bahrain right now? The United States of America: ...Not really. The World: Me neither. Bahraini Protesters attended Grand Prix Can Suck Our Dix April 18, 2012 The World: Wait, like race car Grand Prix? Bahraini Protesters: Yes. The World: Ok. I’m giving up on trying to understand anything. Let me know when everything is good again. I’m gonna go see Titanic 3D and feel nostalgic for glaciers and Leonardo Dicaprio’s skinny face. Dick Clark has closed his account. April 18, 2012 Death: Shit! I meant to get Dick Cheney. Stupid search autofill. Syria > United Nations: Ok, for real this time. We’ll agree to a ceasefire. April 20, 2012 United Nations: Seriously? Syria: Nah. lol. You’re so gullible. United Nations: ah, man. Fuck you, Syria. The U.S. Secret Service created the event Secret Service Pimps and Colombian Hos Party April 21, 2012 Barack Obama: You know this event was made public, right? The U.S. Secret Service: shit. Newt Gingrich > Mitt Romney: Ha, that scandal can’t be good for Obama. You can be my VP when I win the election. April 21, 2012 Mitt Romney: lol Delaware: lol Newt Gingrich: k, yeah. this isn’t going so well. But at least Obama will lose because his reputation is tarnished by a tertiary sex scandal! Mitt Romney: yeah, he’s too “cool” to be president. No one likes “cool” people. Barack Obama: lol.