“Modern World, Ancient King”
By King Henry VII of England

The Motel 6

-Good tidings, fine citizenry of America. It is I, His Majesty King Henry VII of England! When we last spoke, I addressed my problems with an eating establishment known to you as McDonalds. I dare say I have never been attended to in such a lackadaisical manner in all the years of my reign! However, if you are kind enough to recall, my manservant Plinny found a proper venue for my feast at an establishment known as T.G.I.Fridays. And good thing too.

-After the glorious meal which was prepared for the royal feasting party, I was in dire need of a lodging house to accommodate my highness for the evening. Plinny, the foolish boy that he is, had not seen so far ahead as to pre-arrange proper lodging for myself prior to our departure from London a fortnight past. Being that the party is currently in the township of Dayton in the Principality of Ohio, I bade Plinny to call on the Baron of the land to accommodate me.

-After some confusion, Plinny was able to secure a correspondence, by way of a mysterious talk-box which was placed inside a metal grate and which reeked of urine, with one Rhine McLin, the ruler of this township. After a brief conversation, Plinny regrettably informed me that Baroness McLin was unable to accommodate the royal entourage within her castle. To my utter shock, Baroness McLin did not even have a castle, just some dwelling known as a “converted ranch on the edge of town.” This style of dwelling eluded my Kingly knowledge, but it had better have high walls and sturdy barbican; how else is a King to put down a peasant revolt?

-Plinny informed the party that Baroness McLin had made reference to a local hostelry known as Motel 6 and suggested the party retire to this venue for our sleeping needs. All know a King is none the better unless well rested and, at present, the angels of sleep were lightly dancing about my head. Into the horseless carriage we climbed and, in what seemed but a moment, my entourage had lain out the royal walking carpet for me to enter the Motel 6.

-Agreeable would be a far understatement whence one is describing the accommodations at this particular hostelry. Plinny was sent to the hostel keeper to secure the rooms, as they are known, for myself and the royal touring party. Whilst Plinny was negotiation with the hostel keeper, I acquainted myself with the many amenities offered to the Motel 6 patron. Why, according to the literature, I can bathe whenever I see fit! Grand! All men know that bathing is unclean and unnecessary, however I felt that perhaps I should have the royal concubines scrub mine own body nonetheless. This colorful parcel also tells of something named cable television. I should be curious to acquaint myself with that!

-Plinny returned and informed me that we had been offered, by the proprietor of the Motel 6, a special “family vacation deal.” I knew not what he meant, but he assured me that we were given our bedchambers at a reduced rate due to our large numbers and ambassadorial status. As the royal purse has been declining in wealth since that wretched stable boy, Marcus, saw his way to Hooters two nights hence, I was delighted to learn of the discounted rate.

-Yet, my delight had only begun. When my trusted concubine, Gwendeline, and I entered our bedchamber, I was overcome with the sheer cleanliness of the place. The bed had been turned down, the windowpanes glistened and the armoire was of the finest polished mahogany. Why, this chamber also contained an in-room lavatorium for defecating and cleansing one’s self. I questioned this “toilet” contraption, for I feared the stench would perforate the chamber, but Plinny, after some trial, deduced that with the push of a handle all of the bowel-waste would be carried swiftly to some unseen, underground chamber. What a magical delight!

-Why, I was even able to control the temperature in my chamber without the use of costly blocks of Jade from the Far East. It seems the proprietor had devised a way to trap the cooling powers of ice within a metal box placed inside the window frame. I must confess, I busied myself with this device for quite some time. That is, until Gwendeline brought a magic picture box to life which had been discreetly hidden in the armoire. What a wonderful tool of war. It seems that the Motel 6, with its advanced surveillance box, can watch over people from all over the kingdom! I must acquire one of these devices whence I return to London!

-The evening passed most sublimely and I slept as calmly as the lions in the Royal Menagerie; secure in my dominance. Whence I awoke, Plinny attended to my dressing robes and hurried me to a dining area, for he feared we would be tardy for a complimentary continental breakfast. I myself prefer a British breakfast of toasted wheat bread, beans, eggs, and preserves, however I amused myself with the various cereals offered and the wide selection of Bagels; a Jewish, ringed bread. Plinny then paid the hostel keeper the fare and we bid farewell to the Motel 6. Curiously, not an hour outside of Dayton, I spied along the toll road an advert for what appeared to be another Motel 6. It seems that the proprietor of this establishment had built an empire…an empire fit for a King!

*Where will King Henry VII, Plinny and the rest of the royal paty stop next? Log on next week to find out or you could send me a suggestion at suxatlife@hotmail.com!