-A few month's ago I asked my readers (that's you) to IM me and say Hi. I don't know why I did this. Perhaps I thought that I could hear some funny stories or figure out who was reading my stuff or maybe meet an exotic Polynesian girl who wanted to massage me. I really wasn't sure what would come of it. Needless to say, within two hours of posting that article, I got my first IM" then another" and another" and as I am writing this, I have 5 IM boxes open. Guess I should have thought this one through a little more.
-Now, I know what you're thinking; "What a fucking idiot!" But I beg to differ. I've had a lot of fun talking to you guys and it has given me something to do other than watching Reno911. So thank you for your time. However, before I go, I feel that I should break down this little experiment statistically because everybody loves statistics and, who knows, some of this may be in Trivial Pursuit some day (which is exactly what this experiment was).
-I have talked to over 4000 different people. Of that 4000, approximately 1000 went beyond a "Sup." Of those 1000 people, 900 had DoNe ThIs WiTh ThEiR iM nAmE. I have been called the following things on more than one occasion: stupid, retarded, evil, sexy, smart, delightful and The Christ. I have been offered illicit sex and/or sexual favors 43 times. I have cashed in on these offers 0 times only because no one would give me a ride to their schools. I have been invited to 29 parties in 15 different states, none of which I attended because my car is a piece of shit. And, I have come to learn that one of my articles was discussed in a theology class at a Catholic School (apparently, the teacher called me a heretic. All I want to know is, WHERE ARE MY FUCKIN ROYALTIES, HUH?)
-The best story I received was a tale of one young girl from the Midwest who shit her pants and passed out in her hallway where everybody could see her. Then her loving friends, one of whom I was talking to, took pictures before cleaning her up. How nice. Some other good stories include a young man who got a Hooters girl to sit with him AND buy him cheese fries and one of a young man who bit the top of his own finger off.
-Now, some common misconceptions about me which I have had to clear up are as follows:
1. I get girls. I don't know why, but a lot of you people think that I am a chick magnet. Believe me, nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, I have had my share of attractive ladies in my time, but I seem to have hit a wall recently. Have any of you people who think this seen my campushook profile? I believe the proof of my unattractiveness lies therein.
2. I get paid. Collegehumor does not pay me to write these little articles for you, so I have had to scrape a living off the streets: eating out of the garbage, finding migrant fruit picker work and catching lost pets for reward money.
3. I have fake breasts. Nope, they're all me, baby!
4. My column rocks. This is perhaps the most common message I receive and I must take some time now to right this wrong. My column does not rock, nor does it roll. Instead, my column prefers light jazz or adult contemporary. I've tried to tell it that no one listens to that stuff, but it just doesn't listen to me anymore.
-Some of the more memorable lines from my conversations are listed below:
*You must be 10 feet tall
*I killed a dog once" on purpose.
*I would pay you to sleep with my girlfriend.
*What would you say if I told you that I'm in love with you.
*Demons haunt my house
*I'd eat your shit if you wanted me to.
-Strangely, all of these lines came from my roommate. But that is beside the point. The point here is what this experiment has done for me is to make the internet human. Sure I can look at humans doing all sorts of stuff on the net, but I have to pay for that. I never get to just sit back in my underwear and chat with them (yes, I am always in my underwear when I talk on IM). Actually, that's just some high-handed shit right there. What this has really done is to show me that all of you are just as sick, twisted, unstable, and disgusting as I am. I'm proud to call you all my friends!