Welcome back. As summer progresses, and the weather heats up, I find more and more people to hate and you have to. Without further ado, here it is the Famous Hate List, now, more than ever.
(Send your hate list to email@example.com)
Burning The Block: There happens to be a few people in my neighborhood in The Bronx who have cars. Of those few, a still smaller few can afford to make their cars better. Of those few, an even smaller few have decided to make their car's exhaust sound like lawn-mower played through loud speakers. Every night like clockwork, some asshole burns down my block at about 200 mph just to see how many car alarms his extremely annoying exhaust can set off. Aren't you magnificent, with your little 91 civic hatchback! I'll tell you what you prick, you can get the same sound out of your exhaust with out spending hundreds of dollars on a kit" just tear your muffler off! God, I really hope you hit a telephone pole on one of your late night rampages. If you did, the entire block would come out to cheer and I could rest at night knowing I'd never have to listen to your shitty car again" I Hate You!
The Makers of The 4S-JX Shower Head: "Hello, how can I help you?" "Oh, Hi, I'm looking for a shower head." "Ok, well we have a lot of models to choose from, what are you looking for in it?" "Well, I really want one that has only 2 working spots for the water to come out" oh, and I want it to drip, not spray." I imagine the previous owner of my apartment had this conversation at Home Depot several years ago. If you are ever so lucky to take a shower at my place than you'll know it's less like standing beneath a cascading waterfall and more like getting peed on. The water sort of drips from the head and every drop must be aimed accurately to remove the soap on your body. To whomever designed this sorry excuse for a bathroom fixture, I salute you" You have made the worst shower head in history" I Hate You!
Insulted Sally: I pose this question to all the women reading this; if I were to cut my hair half an inch and change its color by half of a shade, would you notice? Then why should I have to notice yours? Yes, if you hack your flowing locks into a buzz cut, I will notice and comment on it but when you trim it in the back and get 2 highlights in, how am I supposed to see that? I don't spend my days logging the current state of your coif. Nor do I even care when you chop some off. If you look at the facts, people have been cutting their hair since people figured out how to. There have probably been trillions of haircuts in human history. Now, do you think each one of them was met with enthusiasm and joy? No, you silly brat. Why do you think that A) your haircut should be noticed, B) That we should have a party for you and C) that this is some life-changing event, noteworthy enough to be committed to memory. You got a fucking haircut, you ego-maniac, get over yourself" I Hate You!
Reader Louana A. really hates: "I only smoke when I'm drunk." Wtf is with that? I hate these fucking people who go to parties get shit faced and then go and ask every person they see for a cigarette and say "I only smoke when I'm drunk." It's so annoying I don't know if you think it's cool to smoke when your wasted or if you enjoy going up to random people you don't know and asking them for a cig" but here's some advice BUY YOUR OWN FUCKING CIGARRETES" and stop bothering me and everyone else I HATE YOU!
Reader Andrea the Canuck really hates: the guy at the punk shows or parties who are belligerently NOT high or drunk and shouts to the world "oh man I'm fucking blazed" "holy shit I think I'm gonna hurl I drank so much" etc. or you talk slower than the second coming of Jesus to make it look like you're either 1) drunk and have to think to form a sentence or 2) that you have a speech impediment and you can't talk right point A being if you can say any of those, chances are you aren't drunk or stoned or fucked up maybe if you said "I can taste my skull" or "I can taste the color of that wall..yummy sounding it is" or "I lurve/love/luuuuv you man!" 80 freaking times then maybe. But since you can form a sentence and coherently ask questions and talk like a fucking moron chances are you are faking it just so that everyone will think you are not the pathetic loser putting on a facade for the whole fucking crowd no one cares if your not fucked up. In fact id rather you weren't, being drunk does not give you a reason to grope me or to talk to me like a god damned moronic fuck head! Stay off me and stay out of the damned social scene if you can't act sober when YOU ARE SOBER! Jesus Christ I really fucking hate you!
Reader Carlos V. really hates (this one is good): Morbidly obese fatties who drive small cars. Ok, I'm not trying to knock fat people but damn, why must you make the rest of us question the laws of physics by driving a Geo Metro. Small cars were not made for folks like you, yet you proudly fill every inch of the interior of the car with your ample girth. And why oh why must you drive around with the windows closed Fatty Mcgee? Its bad enough you expose the whole of humanity with a flesh fest so vile, you blubber is practically coming out of the tail pipe but to actually have to see you breath between bites of your 5th big mac as you steam up the windows is unacceptable you freakin' vomitous mass of excrement. Hey! Chubbs Mcgillacudy! Listen up you inflated grundel sac either buy some tints or pony up and buy a dump truck to ferry your chunky ass. I hope you heart explodes on the parkway snapperhead I Hate You!
Reader Rebecca D. really hates: the guy who pees all over the employee restroom. How old are you? Only little boys who can't reach the seat and incontinent old men are allowed this privilege. We are at work, you shouldn't be here if you are too drunk to piss straight. About thirty people share this one toilet, and you feel the need to spray all over it so I have to clean up the seat before I go. Then I feel dirty no matter how much I clean. I do not urinate all over your ass, why do you feel that it is okay to do that to me? Also, if it does happen, why don't you clean it up yourself? Do you think that no one will notice the yellow drops on the seat, or that they won't mind? You are an inconsiderate fuck, I don't care if it is because your penis is too short to reach, I HATE YOU!
Reader Chelle A. really hates: the people at my school that act like they are so fucking special because they are part of the 20% of students from my university who managed to graudate in four years, instead of four-and-a-half to five years like the other 80% of the student body. Yeah I'm on the five-year plan, but guess what ass clown? For the past four years, you have had no social life because you have taken 25 or 30 credit hours every quarternot to mention the fact that you barely passed your classes because you never had enough time to study for each of your 8 or so classes you were taking every quarter. At the same time, I have taken 13-15 credit hours every quarter (which is still full time), gone out 5 nights a week, and got better grades than you. News flash asshole! Our school makes it all but impossible for any average student to graduate in 4 years. So quit acting like you expect me to bend over and kiss your ass because you did it! This time next year, I will be graduating as part of the happy majority on the 5-year plan, with an extra year of friends, football games, and parties, while you are sitting in a fucking 9-5 job that you hate with no friends, or worse yet, still looking for a job. As it turns out, you are NOT better than everyone else just because you shunned anything to do with an actual social life for the past 4 years in favor of a shitty job with shitty salary! So take your degree and shove it, because I'll have one next year anyway, and 20 years from now it isn't going to matter who graduated earlier!
Reader Caitlin really hates: The reformed Christian: This guy used to beer bong with me this guy used to steal packs of gun from QuikTrip with me this guy used to light my 7 foot Graffix bong where the hell was I when he got touched my Jesus' light? Funny how those reformed Christians just wake up one day with the love of Jesus in his heart and the word of God to spread. FUCK YOU and FUCK YOUR WORDS OF LOVE! I personally ENJOY getting hammered and not remembering what or who I did last night. Who are you to tell me what's right for me? I like my liver to be poisoned and swollen. I like my head to pound in the morning. What was your prophetic name anyway? Wait, I'm too drunk to care I HATE YOU!
Reader Lee F. really hates: people who go to public places and can't speak English. Especially a waterpark full of lifeguards attempting to tell them what to do for their safety. 'please back up sir' stares and smiles 'back THE FUCK up' stares and smiles, continues to move forward Lets recap this country called America. First and universal language, ENGLISH. If you don't know it, learn it. Or at least don't leave the house without a translator. Because I am not going to learn Spanish, French, German, Russian, Polish, ect for you. Bitches. I really hate you. PS, you won't be able to understand this anyways SINCE YOU DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH.
(Author's Note: Lee ist eine Saurbratten und der kinderhammer! Hahahaha" she'll never know what I just called her (and neither will I).)
Finally, reader Jan B. II (the second) really hates: The "Pseudo-Power" Drinker. The nineteen or twenty year-old who isn't legal yet and who isn't that remarkably big of a guy or girl, but still claims things like: "Yeah, I don't usually feel anything until about the seventh or eighth shot", and "Yeah, I never get hangovers. Never. I can get up and function just fine on three hours of sleep and with a BAL of .28." What planet of super-humans are you from, dickhead? and if you think that this impresses girls, ask yourself why you're spending weekends playing "Ninja Gaiden" on your nintendo emulator. News flash, asshole: EVERYONE SEES RIGHT THROUGH YOUR ACT especially upperclassmen like me who've been drinking twice as heavily as you have been for the past few years and who KNOW that nobody that size can accomplish such a feat without a trip to the ER. To the "Pseudo-Power Drinker", I say: "I'd love to see you actually consume half the amount of alcohol that you claim to regularly put down so that you drink yourself into a coma and die. I HATE YOU!"
That was some delicious hate" not too hot, not too cold, not too sweet and plenty sour. I hope you'll join us next week for more from the famous Hate List. Hell, why not be a part of it, send me your hate at firstname.lastname@example.org and let's see if we can mke some beautiful anger together.