Cafeteria Worker interview

Hello, Mr. Sanchez. Please have a seat. I see here that you are interested in working at our university's cafeteria. Well, that's great news. Let's get right to the interview. So, I see here on your application that you haven't put down your birthday, why is that? Oh, I see, illegal immigrant" yes" that would explain the lack of social security number and permanent address. Not a problem, we hire plenty of illegal aliens every year. Shall we proceed? Great!

Ok, now it says here you did some time in prison? Ok, a stabbing in Peru" right" well, do you promise not to stab anyone here? Yes? Good enough for me. I'm looking at your health records here and it appears that you have some infections? Just syphilis? No" Typhus too" ok, do you wash your hands at least once a week? You do, fantastic. That takes care of that.

Now, we here at university food services encourage strong co-worker relationships. Do you get along well with other low-income earners? Good" good. Now, will you be able to finish up conversations with them while ignoring dozens of hungry college students? You do, ok" I like what I'm hearing.

What is the biggest reason you want to work in the university's food service industry? Child support" I see, anything else? You like harassing attractive female students" who doesn't? I see in your references section you have listed some people in the military, did you serve? No" they shot and captured you at the Bay of Pigs" Ok, well that tells me two things about you. One, you don't mind getting your hands dirty. Two, you are used to long hours. Am I right? I knew it" I just have this ability to read people.

I've noticed since we sat down together that you have been twitching your face a lot, may I ask why? Oh" crack problem, eh? Hey, nobody's perfect. How long have you been off the dope? 22 minutes, huh? Well, I can't say I condone the smoking of illegal drugs while at work but what you do on your free time is your own business.

I'm sorry Mr. Sanchez, but I can't help but notice that this whole time we've been talking, there have been three rather large men behind you, may I ask who they are? Guards" So, you're currently incarcerated? Yes" alright, will your incarceration interfere with your work schedule? You're going to be paroled by September? Great, well let me just say congratulations on your first job out of the joint!

That's right, Mr. Sanchez, we would love to have you join our team. I will speak with the warden and get all of your papers in order" gotta make this look good to Uncle Sam. As for the uniform, you will receive black pants that we encourage you to wear somewhere well below your buttocks. You will also receive a white smock which must be washed at least once a semester. Welcome, Mr. Sanchez" any questions? Oh" $2.75 and hour for the first 5 years with the possibility of a raise after that. Anything else? No" well, we'll look forward to seeing you this September!


Dedicated to all of the cafeteria workers who have, for four years, ignored me, gotten my order wrong, coughed on my food, and given me diarrhea" Thank You.