I know that Barry Bonds is on steroids. I have never seen him take them so I can not prove it. But I've never seen dinosaurs and I know they exist. (That is one thing that keeps me a step ahead of Carl Everett).
I hear constant debate as to whether or not Bonds is juiced. Which is just silly. We know he's juiced. He looks juiced. He acts juiced. He hits particularly well at Minute Paid Park and Tropicana Field. If this guy were any more juiced he'd be part of a healthy breakfast.
You might say it's possible to hit more than 61 home runs in a season sans juice. But the two guys behind Bonds Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosahave both been proven to use performance enhancers at some point. McGwire's drug of choice was androstendione, which has since been added to the banned list. And Sosa, aside from the cork heard round the world, just sneezed himself to the DL. Studies show that the first thing to go when you remove all juice is your back. Guess what was injured when Sammy sneezed?
Now look at Bonds. Bonds, who was a skinny guy with some pop earlier in his career. Bonds, who used to steal 40 bases a season and hasn't stolen ten in a season in three years (despite his half a billion walks). Bonds, whose "workout regimen" features a forehead that increased to the size of a cantaloupe. But maybe that can all be explained.
Perhaps he added 50 pounds of muscle in one off-season. Perhaps he's stealing fewer bases because he's getting old, and can now only muster the energy to hit hundreds of balls 500 feet at a time. Perhaps, while popping wheelies on Jeff Kent's motorcycle, Bonds injured his cranium and all that extra space on his forehead is fluid. Or perhaps he pops more pills than a heroine in a Danielle Steel novel. Yes, heroine with the e at the end. I'm writing about Barry Bonds, not Darryl Strawberry.
You might say I'm making assumptions. Of course I am it's what we do as sports fans. But is it irresponsible of me to print these assumptions? No. How many times have you read that Kobe Bryant is going to New York? And the only thing Kobe Bryant is going to New York for is to hire more legal counsel. So I'm taking it upon myself to write a column on why thinking Barry Bonds is clean is as silly as thinking that Kobe will ever again willingly vacation in Colorado.
This evidence could all be circumstantial. Maybe Bonds is just a good guy caught up in a great deal of coincidence. I've seen fewer coincidences on an episode of Three's Company, but I could give him the benefit of the doubt. If I hadn't already seen too many character flaws to chalk this up to being in the wrong place at the wrong, giant-foreheaded time.
This is the same man who fights with opposing players and teammates with equal vigor. This is the same man who shows up late to Spring Training and insists he's early. This is the same man who insults Babe Ruth and snubs an award from the Negro League Museum and claims a baseball strike is for the fans (providing their kids grow up to be ballplayers). This is even the same man who married a Swedish immigrant who barely spoke English and forced her to sign a bogus pre-nup with less than a month's time in the United States (the contract was later ruled invalid by an appeals court). This is not a man of moral fortitude.
Bonds has relentlessly proven that he is out for Bonds, and it would not surprise me at all to get proof that he's on steroids. In fact, it would shock me if I saw proof that he isn't.
And of course, Bonds has been implicated in the BALCO scandal that has rocked the sporting world and shown what we have known since the days of Dianabol. That some athletes will do anything to win just ask Jose Canseco. (He'll tell you all about it in his new book that's never coming out).
The debate should not be whether or not Bonds is on steroids the debate should be how much his steroid use matters to you. And it doesn't matter at all to me. Because even if Bonds didn't juice, I would root against him simply because he's a jerk.
And that, I have proof of.
Steve Hofstetter is the author of Student Body Shots, which is available at www.SteveHofstetter.com. He can be e-mailed at firstname.lastname@example.org.