The Streety Awards Winners
After tallying all the votes and sealing all the envelopes, the winners of the bi-monthly Streety Awards are ready to be announced. Remember, you voted for the winners so don't complain about the results, you little brats. Over 100 votes were cast and I have spent the last 2 hours reading over them and counting up the scores. With that out of the way, it time to see who took top honors.
*Funniest TV Show
With %63 of the votes, Reno911 took the prize for the TV show that comes closest to making you wet yourself. Coming in second was HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm" with %24 of the vote. The rest went to "America's Funniest Foreigners"" a show that does not exist. Sadly, my personal favorite, BBC's "The Office" received no votes. What's wrong with you people? Don't you have any class" these people are British. Obviously, if they think it's funny, so should you" they're smarter than we are???
"South Park" wins this category with %41 of your votes, and rightly so. "The Simpsons" which has been declining in popularity in recent years came in second, narrowly defeating "Aqua Teen Hunger Force." Strangely, "ATHF" was not even on the list and received more write in votes than the other two shows offered. I guess you guys really like that show" maybe I should watch it some time.
NOTE: "The Family Guy" was not included in this category because it would blow the other shows out of the water.
And the winner is" "OLD SCHOOL!!!" An overwhelming majority of you (%83) voted for this sophomoric comedy. And don't think that's an insult, I love this movie. Who cares about the votes for the rest of the movies but I will say that one of you wrote to tell me that including "Super Troopers" in the nominees makes me, "a total faggot who doesn't know shit about funny movies."
*Biggest Reality TV Show Slut
While Heidi from "Survivor" (%22) and Jack from "The Osbournes" (%13) finished strong, Trishelle from "The Real World Las Vegas" won the coveted title of biggest reality TV show slut. The best part; it's the "real" world, so she's definitely a slut in real life too!
*Worst TV Show
This is amazing. I really could not believe how many votes were cast for the winner. Again, you have blindly trusted me and been made fools of. A whopping %92 of you voted "Jedi Time on Blinton Public Access" worst TV show. And, as with "America's Funniest Foreigners," this show does not exist. I don't know if there is a Blinton, Oregon nor do I know if there is a show about "Stars Wars" on there. But I must say that if this show were real, it would definitely be a huge pile of shit. So I guess you were right all along"
*Most Annoying Song You Used To Like
Thank God most of you agree with me when I say that Usher's "Yeah" (%53) has overstayed it's welcome. Now that everyone in the world can do an almost perfect Little John "YEEEAAAHHHHHH" the song has lost most of its charm. I was surprised that %14 of you voted for "Spice Up Your Life" by the Spice Girls because by casting that vote, you're admitting to have liked that song at one point and that is just plain embarrassing.
*Best Song You Love To Hate/Hate To Love
You think you got it, ooooh you think you got it but got doesn't get it when there's nothing at almost all of you voted for Outkast's "Hey Ya." I know when this song comes on the radio and I'm alone in the car I roll up the windows, make sure no one is looking, and rip out some serious vocals. Don't lie you do the same thing" you probably dance in your seat too.
*Most Annoying Teen Star
Our first tie! %39 of you each voted for Hillary Duff and the Olsen Twins. Honestly, I cannot decide who is more annoying so I am just going to have to disqualify all three contenders and give the award to Aaron Carter who not only is more annoying than anyone, but is also the least talented person on the planet. Congratulations Aaron" You Suck!
*Actress/Songstress That Should Call Me
I guess I should put on the kettle and leave my flat for some biscuits and maybe a half of lager because %86 of you think that Keira Knightley should ring me up. That's fine with me, but I hear she has a boyfriend who is an Irish model. That's no good because not only is he a model, but he's also got that cute little accent. I was hoping that you would all pick Ellen Muth because I think she's single, but the people have spoken. So, Keira, my number is (347) 661-76" do you think I'm that dumb?
*Best C-List Celebrity
This category was the most hard fought of them all. In the end it came down to two people: Mario Lopez of "Saved By The Bell" and Danny "Budnick" Cooksey of "Salute Your Shorts." When the smoke cleared and the dust settled, Mario Lopez came out victorious with %41 of the vote. Congrats, Slater! Now you and Jessie can finally show your almost-forgotten faces at The Max again.
*Best Celebrity That Is Fading Away
I honestly thought that this one would go to Britney or maybe Ashton" but Pharell? That's right, %48 of you thought that, within the year, Pharell and his high pitched voice, will be gone from out ears forever. Thank God Kanye West arrived on the scene to fill that void of overly-hyped and overly-exposed hip-hop producer where Pharell once reigned.
Of course, this one goes to the lovely and retarded Jessica Simpson. Her mom came in a close second with W pulling in third. Have you ever noticed that Jessica's mom and Britney's mom might be the same person? Maybe that would explain why both their daughters are so brilliant.
*Celebrity That Would Most Likely Steal Your Food
I guess you guys weren't buying that a dead comedic actor would come back from beyond the grave to gobble up your last French fry because Chris Farley didn't win this one. And I guess you believe in Michael Moore's strong political rhetoric about not stealing from others as the current administration has. And, I guess you think that even though he has a lot of money and could buy his own food, the obese Ruben Studdard would indeed steal what's left on your plate with %37 of the votes.
I should have made clear to all your middle American's that the term padunkadunk is an afro-American slang word for a glorious ass popularized by SNL's Tracy Morgan. This term is meant to be applied to a woman but enough of you understood it to give this award to Michael Moore. Good job Mike, your generous ass beats all the others. Now if you could only find a pair of pants that weren't made out of old sails from clipper ships, you'd be alright.
*Most Into Religion To An Irritating Degree
I came to college in August of 2001. I was so excited to live in NYC and be a part of this thriving city. Two weeks after I arrived a couple of crazy assholes flew some planes into the WTC and that was the end of free-spirited New York and the beginning of riot-cops-on-the-subway New York. So I would agree with all of you that voted Osama Bin Laden the most irritatingly religious person on earth. Sure, Madonna is way to into a religion she knows jack about and Beyonce's constant thanks to the Lord can get tiresome, but at least they didn't kill thousands of people.
Jewel wins, surprise surprise.
*Best Recently Deceased Celebrity
Just when I though that this white bred world had no soul, you up and vote Ray Charles as the best newly dead celebrity. Charles sweet, soulful music and comic blind twitching will be greatly missed. Chares deserves this honor because the runner up, Brando, at least could see (even if he was insane).
*Best Mask Worn By A Celebrity
Who wears pink and pisses on underage women? Give up? The winner of this award, R. Kelly! His pink zorro mask was perhaps the best mask we have seen since the Phantom of the Opera" but PINK! Michael Jackson ran a close second but did not win because there are still some people out there who still believe that something on his face could be real.
*Most Likely To Fart And Not Admit It
This award goes to Paris Hilton. It's pretty easy to see how classy this hotel heiress is and I assume that this is why she got a mystifying %93 of the votes. Personally, I think she would admit to it, but then demand that you pay her for the privilege of smelling her exhaust.
And the final award of the night"
*Nerdiest Celebrity Male Who Still Probably Gets Hot Girls
I received a lot of angry emails for naming Tobey Maguire "nerdy." I can only assume these all came from 14 year-old girls because every grown male can see how nerdy Tobey really is. But sadly, Tobey did not win this category. Our good friend and champion nerd who probably lays a different hot girl every night is none other than Elijah Wood. When he hears about this dubious honor, he'll probably break out the juicy juice and peanut butter and celery sticks to celebrate" then he'll go bed some model, the little shit.
Congratulations to all of the winners. Taking home a Streety Award is almost as good as winning $1 off a scratcher, so you all should be quite honored. If you missed the voting this time around, don't worry; The Streetys take place every two months with all new categories. Thank you for your votes and remember to never drive drunk" make a friend do it so they get the ticket. Goodnight!