I, like Jay Z, have some problems. And what a coincidence, we both have 99. And since this is the 99th edition of my column, what better a time to tell you about them.
1. A bitch is one.
2. I really need a haircut and they don't know how to cut white people's hair in my neighborhood.
3. I can't think of a catchy name for my new band ("Stinky Pinky and the Shockers" was rejected by my fellow bandmates)
4. The girls at school look better than last year and I look worse.
5. I spent way too much money at IKEA.
6. 9 of my 11 white shirts have some kind of stain.
7. I might have to live another four years with W. in the White House.
8. Both my roommates have serious girlfriends while I continue to please myself in my room" alone" sitting Indian style.
9. My knee hurts.
10. So does my elbow.
11. My roommate found a roach in my apartment today" just when I finish decorating, this place goes to shit!
12. I've just found out that I, issue for issue, have more typos, grammatical errors: and misplaced aggression than any other columnist for this site.
13. I also have a lot of freckles on my shoulder which aren't very attractive.
14. I need to cut my fingernails but all I have is a toenail clipper and I fear that it will cut my fingernails too short.
15. I also need to cut my toenails, but I can't touch my toes.
16. I only have one pair of shorts and about a week ago I sat in gum and I can't figure out how to get it out.
17. I have 2 computers (one laptop, one desktop) and I can't decide which one I should look at porn on.
18. I just found out that my sister makes more money than I do" I should become a bookie too.
19. I bought too much NyQuil at Costco and the only way I'm ever going to use all of it is if I stay sick for the next 32 years.
20. My car is sitting in my school's lot with a dead battery and no one will drive over there to jump me.
21. After 21 years of learning I still can't spell "Autstraila"
22. My teeth have been declining in whiteness exponentially for the past 7 years.
23. I've been getting gassier lately.
24. I won a big poker game against my friends last night but then they all got mad at me.
25. Even though the weather has cooled off, I continue to sweat like a grill cook in Mexico.
26. I haven't left the country in over 6 months.
27. The amount of earwax that was on my last Q-tip could have supplied the Yankee Candle Company with raw materials for 9 years.
29. People keep saying I've really "filled out" but I know what they really mean.
30. Apparently, kicking a homeless person is illegal. I wish someone told me that before Friday night.
31. People keep getting mad at me for using their names in my column. Seriously, Kyle Hunts, it's not a big deal.
32. I watched TRL the other day and I didn't know one band on the show" I'm getting very old.
33. I'm running out of stuff to bitch about and I'm only 1/3 done with this list.
34. I've slept with 9 people, 8 of which have immediately gone to sleep, 1 of which stayed up and watched my "Family Guy" DVD.
35. I threw up in my mouth earlier today.
36. Shit" I just did it again.
37. My toothbrush is the most primitive of all the one's in my apartment.
38. My tan is fading from a nice "milky white" to an unattractive "ghostly white."
39. The price of milk has gone up again. What's going on? Did cows start filing sexual harassment claims?
40. By this point in his life, my Dad was married. I, as I said before, continue to pleasure myself in my room" alone" sitting Indian style.
41. I continue to make friends with people who have much more money, style, and confidence than I do. On the bright side, I make a fantastic wingman.
42. I bought a chair the other day that I cannot fit in.
43. Slowly, my state of the art phone is become a Zak Morris.
44. I'm old enough to get Zack Morris references.
45. I'm so comically untalented that I need to resort to Zak Morris jokes.
46. I'm now too fat to tie my shoes comfortably.
47. I've just been through the last summer I will ever have. From now on Summer will just be the hot time of the year when I still have to go to work.
48. My yacht's crew has been complaining about the workload I assign them.
49. Slowly but surely, hair is creeping onto my chest.
50. Despite my best efforts and encouragements, my penis seems to have stopped growing.
51. Despite my best efforts and discouragements, my love handles continue to grow.
52. I've just realized that you have probably stopped reading this by now" I'm not really that interesting.
53. My cousin is in Iraq and seems to be having a better time than I am" that's flat out sad.
54. I just learned I fart in my sleep" fantastic, I was looking for a way to be more unattractive in my sleep.
55. The dried drool on my pillows is eerily reminiscent of another bodily fluid" Jesus, I hope "Roomraiders" doesn't swing by my place.
56. I cannot get that goddamned song from those fucking Enzyte commercials out of my head.
57. I miss the old version of AIM where the little alert things didn't pop up on my screen all the time and I can't figure out how to get it back.
58. I beginning to think that I should change my email; email@example.com doesn't look that good on a job application.
59. I cannot force myself to burp which has caused me great shame amongst my male (and some female) friends.
60. My classes start tomorrow and I know I will spend the entire time trying to figure out where I should sit next time to get next to the hot girls.
61. After I have found the good seat, I will never summon the courage to say anything to them.
62. I've got fools that want to make sure my casket's closed.
63. The number value of this complaint (63) is greater than the monetary value (in dollars) in my checking account.
64. I got my new school ID today and they have once again used my High School senior portrait for my picture which is great because now every time someone sees it they can say, "Oh my God, is that you? You were so skinny!"
65. While I think that my column would make a good book, I don't think anyone would buy it.
66. I think I have a self esteem issue of some kind.
67. I also have panic attacks. I made my friend take me to the hospital once. He got a roast beef sandwich while I waited for the tests to get back. Across the hall there was a very old woman with her legs up and no underwear on. I pointed this out to him while he took a bite of his sandwich" he doesn't eat roast beef anymore.
68. It's really hard to think of a girl's name that starts with "G"
69. I haven't done this number in quite some time.
70. I have killed the one and only plant in my apartment not with neglect but with secondhand smoke.
71. I would say that %88 of you lead more exciting lives than I do.
72. The thrill of telling people I live in the Bronx is beginning to wear thin.
73. Girls continue to ignore the fact that I have really great hair.
74. I also have the legs of a female track champion; long, thick, and hairless.
75. Banana republic has sized me out. I am now forced to return to my roots and shop at T-JMaxx
76. My toenails are yellowing" I tell people I smoke with my feet.
77. My ride was rejected by MTV for pimping. I really wanted a waterfall and a TV in my trunk too!
78. I went on a ride at an amusement park a few weeks ago and had one of the embarrassing moments of my life. I sat next to my friend who is extremely attractive and the worker at the ride literally had to run full force at the shoulder restraint to get it to close. I broke 2 ribs and lost about 2 gallons of dignity.
79. While being a comedian was impressive 2 years ago, it seems sad when your friends work at banks and investment firms.
80. I spent about $1000 dollars making my apartment cool. But instead of complimenting me on my decorating skills and eye for design, most of my friends just call me a "fag."
81. I was reprimanded for my failure to meter the last poem I wrote. I can't help it, I'm white.
82. I didn't win one award at this year's VMAs.
83. My 2005 BMW isn't the color I wanted. I yelled at my dad and he said he'd buy me a new one.
84. I didn't think that this issue would take so long" I'm missing World Series of Poker for this" I hope you're happy.
85. My heartworm medication ran out.
86. Even my best friend's don't really believe that "Streeter Pinkerton Hampton Seidell" is my real name.
87. My apartment building should have been condemned years ago, instead I pay my landlord 500 dollars a month.
88. I have been taking Trimspa for 2 months and I am yet to be envied.
89. Every time I have a brilliant idea, someone steals it. Some of my previous ones: waterproof cell phone, airplane, the pizzaburger, Thomkin's (Streeter's) theory on Cellular Interaction.
90. My dog doesn't respect me. Maybe he remembers me stealing him away from his mother when he was just a puppy.
91. I made fun of a retarded person on stage at a comedy club on time because I didn't know he was retarded and my comedian friends still think I'm an asshole for it.
92. I can't tell who has an STD and therefore I always think I'm killing someone on the inside when I crack jokes about having one. Well, actually, the Hepatitis is killing them on the inside but you get the point. (That may have been the worst thing I have ever written in my life)
93. If Higgins can't shine my Italian made alligator loafers, I don't know why I hired him in the first place. Honestly, it's impossible to find good help these days.
94. Everyday it seems my morning breath is worse than it was the previous day.
95. Even my hand isn't attracted to my genitals anymore.
96. The stretch marks on my love handles I can live with. The one's on my stomach I can live with. But the ones on my cheeks are really embarrassing.
97. Not enough of you have sent me naked pictures. And I asked so nicely!
98. Just when I buy a bunch of trucker hats, the damn fad goes out of fashion.
99. Damn, I'm a whiny little bitch.