Dear "A Word From the Streets" Readers and people who might have Googled my name,
If NBC's "Law & Order" has taught us anything about New York City it is that dead bodies are discovered there on a fairly regular basis""usually before the opening credits and if it's a very special episode maybe forty minutes later. Well I've been an official Bronxite for about two years now and my corpse/hour ratio has been severely lacking. I guess things would be different if I were a young Hispanic boy who played in empty lots Well boy did my luck change this afternoon. This is all to say that Streeter Seidell, your beloved columnist is dead.
In retrospect the first thing I should have done was call the police or an ambulance, but seeing as I discovered him slumped over his keyboard with what would have been his one-hundredth entry for "A Word From the Streets" still in progress I felt it was my duty to inform you, his adoring public. I fleetingly considered finishing his final column""a fake term paper about a time traveling medieval lord who was having an awesome time at summer camp that you hate""but decided not to tamper with what might later have serious posthumous potential on the auction block.
So after making sure that there was no possible way that I could be held accountable for anything that might have happened to my roommate in the last eight to twelve hours, stealing what was left of his cigarettes and watching a preview of the new season of "The Real World," I sat down at the poor bastard's Compaq and decided to let you all know about Streets' passing on. I also have decided to blame the shit out of you for it.
Let's face facts; that much blood could only mean one thing. It's quite clear that the man's brain exploded. Over the past five months Streeter had been complaining of increasingly severe headaches and menstrual pain, picked himself up a pretty serious meth addiction and become a huge fan of R. Kelly's "U Saved Me." He had also written almost a hundred pieces for College Humor. I see an obvious correlation. If it weren't for you readers and your needy little brains I'd still have a roommate and we'd probably be eating nachos with our shirts off right now. I also wouldn't have to pull an extra five hundred dollars out of my ass every month to make up for the dead kid's share of the rent.
With the national media's tendency to focus on the trendy epidemics like teenage pregnancy, childhood obesity or increased drug use by white upper-middle-class kids it's far too easy to forget another plague attacking our country's youth: writing. Every year literally tens of bloggers fall prey to their craft. Most are left with cripplingly bothersome injuries such as carpal tunnel syndrome or drying of the eyes due to intense staring at a screen for prolonged periods. But some, like our fallen hero Streeter, are so mentally taxed by their need to provide the world their clever musings that their brain simply collapses in on itself.
Some might blame VH-1 or E! whose entire programming deludes these poor kids into thinking that there might somehow be a career in, "saying some funny shit about some other shit" on cable television. Others might point the finger in the general direction of websites such as Collegehumor.com who allow an outlet for unfiltered ranting. But I say the guilt rests solely on the demanding public who ever so gently pressure kids like Streeter into this situation by sending him positive feedback and even submissions. Do you know how hard it was for him to fill his half of "Hate List 19" without being explicitly racist? This is truly peer pressure at its most heinous.
The shame is that Senators Ted Kennedy and Orin Hatch were introducing bi-partisan legislation into the house last week that would have federally mandated regulation of online writers. The so called "One Column, One Week" Law might have saved Streets' life, but I fear the wheels of bureaucracy have spun too slowly this time. My only hope is that Streeter's tragic death will speed up the legislative process before some elementary school kid meets the same end imitating his hero.
If any of you parasites are interested, and I'm sure you are, I'll be auctioning most of Streeter's worldly possessions on Ebay over the weekend with all proceeds going to the Streeter Seidell Brain Explosion Prevention Fund. This new charity will help keep at risk teenagers and young adults away from computers through their college years; because the only real solution to this problem is to prevent young writers from getting an audience in the first place.
Now if you will allow me to excuse myself I have some cleaning up to do. You make me sick.