Dear Mouth,

It's me, Asshole. Listen, I know we haven't talked in a while and I'm sorry for that. You know how life is; one day you're best friends working together, the next you've grown into complete strangers. Again, I'm really sorry for not contacting you sooner or keeping up with you but there is nothing more I can do except apologize. So with that out of the way, I hope you'll listen to me.

I know you've been eating whatever you want lately. I know, I see it on the other end so don't try to deny it. I'm trying to preach to you or tell you what to do, but seriously Mouth, can you maybe change your eating habits.

It's just that the stuff that has been coming out of me lately isn't all that pleasant. I've been talking to Stomach and Intestines and they agree with me. I understand that you might want some food at 4 AM, but spicy chili? Come on, man. Are you trying to get back at me for that fart I let out when you were trying to talk in class? If that's the case then know the only reason that had to come out was because you" let me repeat that, YOU were eating baked beans all morning.

I don't why you are doing this to me" to us. Caliente Taquitos, 7 layer burritos, 2 Lb steaks? What the hell's going on up there? At first I just thought that maybe you were depressed and were eating a lot more. But as the volume of food, and spicy food at that, continued to pass through me unchanged, I felt I had to do something about it. I can only take so much. I've been sore for weeks and I burn" oh, how I burn!

Sure, it's all fine on the way down. You enjoy that Chicken Curry and pepper humus. I'll just be down here sweating in agony when the time comes for me to go to work. Thanks to you, I'm chafed, sore, redder than usual and covered in something called Preparation H. I don't know what it is, but it seems to at least relieve some of your treachery.

Mouth, what happened to us? We used to be such good friends. Hell, 20 years ago the stuff you took in looked exactly like the stuff I sent out. We were a team. But you've lost track of that. Now I spend my nights trying deal with oversized helpings of White Castle and hot sauce-drenched nachos. Thanks.

If this kind of behavior doesn't stop I am going to be forced to do something drastic" something that affects you. I know I don't have too much control over what you do but I have powerful allies. Stomach has never been madder at you and he says he'll gladly reject everything you send down. Is that what you want? Do you want to be throwing up all the time? I didn't think so.

So, why don't you sit back and think about what you've done to me. Think about the pain you have caused myself, Stomach, Intestines, hell, everyone down here. you had better stop taking in any old piece of food that comes along and seriously think about eating some lettuce or maybe some fiber. I can't deal with anymore Big Macs, Mexican Bagel Bites or chilidogs. Change or suffer the consequences. I might even close up shop altogether. How does that sound, hmm? Constipation? Don't put us through that.

Sincerely, Asshole