Hello and welcome, once again, to the Famous Hate List. Well, it's been a little while since we let the hateful juices flow and I know I've been saving mine up. They build inside me and the pressure becomes so great that I either have to write one of these or choke something to death. Welcome, to the 22nd installment of the Famous Hate List.
*If you would like to see your name in the hate list, email your submission to email@example.com!
Ricky Rocker: Ok, I love music just as much as the next guy, but a line must be drawn. I like to sing along, I like to dance (when intoxicated) and sometimes I even play a little air guitar, but I certainly do not pretend I'm at a concert when I go to a bar. Hey Ricky, you're not at an arena rock show, you're at a crowded bar" stop moshing. Oh, believe me Ricky, I think you look just like Bon Jovi when you clear out a big circle so you have ample room to sing "Living on a Prayer," but some people seem to disagree. No, I don't know why people get mad at you when you grab them and sing Metallica directly into their faces. Maybe they're mad because you're a fucking ass? Have you thought of that? No, no you didn't because you were to busy standing on a table singing into your beer bottle. You're an embarrassment to yourself and if you ever scream Sublime lyrics into my ear again I'll just lose it on you. From me and everyone else at the bar" I Hate You!
Patty Point-it-out: I hate being wrong. I think we all do. And nothing is more embarrassing as being wrong about something when you're with your friends. The shame! And, do you know is there to make sure you feel like an idiot when you say something wrong? It's Patty Point-it-out! This person (male or female) will do everything in their power, draw on every neuron of memory, to point out inconsistencies in your statements. Some of Patty's most notable lines: "Actually, the actor says (movie quote) in that scene," "No, we were in Palm Springs when you ate that grilled cheese," and "It's actually more like 4 Lbs, not 3 1/2." The worst part about Patty is their ability to ruin a funny story by correcting inane, unimportant details.
-(me) "Ok ok, I'll tell it again. So, I was on spring break and it was beautiful. It was, like, 90 degrees out and I g" "
-(Patty, interupting) "Actually it was in the high eighties."
Patty, just because you do not have the ability to tell an engaging story does mean you have to interrupt mine with your "fascinating" corrections. Now, how did that line from that TV show go" oh, I think it was "I Hate You!"
Embarassed Ed: Ok, we all like some nerdy stuff, right? Even the most hardcore guy probably has a Cyndi Lauper song on his playlist. Furthermore, one of the great things about us humans is our ability to make fun of ourselves; to admit that we enjoy certain uncool things. Not Ed. Ed cannot bring himself to admit that he likes anything that isn't currently hip. Ed, please, let me show you how it is done. I enjoy Irish folk music, I enjoy some Ashlee Simpson songs, I enjoy reading crime/romance thrillers, I enjoy" no, I love, British romantic comedies. See? It's that easy. But you can't admit to your shameful habits can you? You pretend that you hate all the "crappy" music at the bar but I see you tapping your toe. You pretend that new TV show is shitty, but I saw you write down what time it is on. What's wrong with you? Just fucking admit to liking something that is mainstream and "uncool." You won't have to hide your copy of "Mean Girls" anymore. But, until you come out of your little cool-guy shell" I Hate You!
Reader Manda H. really hates: I hate those "girly" girls who give the rest of us a bad name! Everyone knows those chicks the ones who say they'll be "2 minutes" but end up taking 3 hours the ones who just ASSUME that the guy will pay for everything the ones who won't do anything that will "mess up their hair." I really hate it because when of the us non-uptight-prissy chicks comes along, guys are skeptical of us because they've been scarred by one of 'THOSE' chicks. I HATE IT! LOOSEN THE FUCK UP, LADIES! Sure you should look your best, but when you're already late for something, don't take an additional hour to finish your makeup!
Reader Milagros V. really hates: Mid-life Studying Milton: The guy who's about 40 something years old in your Gen Ed class who feels like he (or she) has to speak up in our class and pretend to be omniscient, because we "young, impressionable people" can "learn a thing or two" from them. Seriously, nobody gives a fuck. If I wanted to be treated like a child, I'd go to my dad and ask him about everything. Wait, my dad isn't even THAT patronizing! I don't feel like putting up with your superiority complex that tries to make up for the fact that you're in a GEN fucking ED course with a bunch of hung over 18 year olds. My headache from partying too hard is easier to bear than having to listen to you. I can't and won't learn anything from you. And by the way, everything I say is more valid than anything you will EVER say. Because you're always wrong. Arrogant prick. Hey, I'll teach you some little facts, because you can learn a thing or two from ME. Fact one: You need to get over yourself. You are the ultimate picture of "pathetic". Fact two: Nobody respects you, and we certainly don't look up to you. Fool. Fact three: I HATE YOU!!!
Reader Brandon Y. has 6 hate entries" SIX! Way to hate. He really hates: One- that old fucker who doesn't know how to drive the speed limit. C'mon gramps, learn how to make a right on red and what right of way means. What the hell, lets just let the whole fucking city go before you do at this four way stop. I hate you elderly person who is most likely full of wisdom and should be telling it to other old people in the nursing home.
Two- My fucking bike tire that i just bought which decides to randomly pop while I'm riding. Yah, its really nice having to walk my bike home right when the mosquitoes come out. It's just another piece of rubber that has failed me in my life. I hate you.
Three- That fucking papa murphy's pizza that didn't quite fit on the pizzaz. What do ya know, I walked away after putting it on and two minutes later hear a big old splat. What the fuck? I guess I wasn't hungry or anything. What'll I have tonight? Maybe just crust and booze because that was my last 6 bucks after I bought all those boonsfarms. I hate you, inch too large pizza.
Four- My ex-girlfriend who dumped me. But she still calls and tells me how much she loves me and wants to be with me, but when I suggest she come visits (she's 20 hours away) that fucking bitch just makes up excuses why she cant, even though she isn't working for another 3 weeks. I wasted 2 months and 500 bucks on that whore and all she can do is keep me hanging by a thread just so she can keep ripping me apart from this inside out. Keep manipulating me bitch, ill never talk to you again. Fucking bitch, I hate you.
Five- So now that I'm single and I go to a college that has a 7 to 1 girl to guy ratio, and I'm an elementary ed major that I would be able to find a girl no. every girl that I strike up a conversation with has to somehow throw in something about her doofy boyfriend. I hate you hot girls with boyfriends.
Six- people that call and act like they actually care how you are doing, when actually they are just driving home from work and are trying to stay awake. And if you can't get to the phone and have to call them back a half hour later they never respond b/c they don't need you b/c they are home now. The same fucking people also are the assholes who think they can make up for it by text messaging you every 4 weeks with a "hey how r u i am good see you later bye" with no capitalization, punctuation, or complete words, fuckin morons. Finally, I hate you.
Reader Mike S. really hates: Fucking wiggers. Now I don't know about you, but I am getting fuckin sick and tired of seeing white people who act black. I'm sorry if that sounds racist but for fuck sake people, you're white. White guys who grow up in middle-class suburbs have no fucking right to start talking like they grew up in the ghetto, not that I'm suggesting well you know. I know it's the trendy way to talk and dress (oh why WHY do you have to put your fuckin hat sideways) but enough already. It's worst then the 80's. At least people were coming up with new ways to look as ugly as possible. Today its like people wake up and say to themselves "Huh, how can I act more black today. Maybe if I combine my doorag with my hat (to the side of course, FUCK) and my tuque and only say yo diggity mac mcword g money bitches in nizzle fashizzle then maybe, just maybe I'll get my dick sucked. And THAT is really what it's all about. If the trend was to act Mexican or Australian then people would be all over it like flies on hip-hop music. Now, at this point, I will have pissed more people off than have reached someone who agrees with me but I don't give a fuck. This trend has gone on long enough. Its time to round up all the wiggers, tie them to a fence, and rape em until there sphincters are so loose they can't hold there shit. I FUCKING HATE THEM ALL!!!
Reader Jon C. really hates: wannabe neo-skin heads who have shaved heads, wear black skin industries t-shirts, sunglasses, baggy dickies shorts, adidas, and knee high white socks. Now if you ask me, that's not the badass look that strikes fear into the hearts of people. Plus, judging from the way they dress, they look just like those mexican home-boys who smoke meth around the corner from my apartment (no offense to them). Now if you ask me that seems a bit redundant to their whole "white pride" message because they're copying the mexicans; not to mention they look like a bunch of idiots. So take your shitty ass chevelle and go drive off a cliff because no one needs racist fucks. I hate you.
Finally, very angry reader Kate from MI really hates three things: Bikers who actually think they are cool: Really Jeremy!!?? The hand signals are actually turn signals??? Jesus Christ, it all makes sense now!! Where have I been??!! Why was I making fun of bikers who bike in the street and use turn/hand signals?? Oh yeah, because you are fucking gay and a huge pain in my ass. Jeremy, while biking on the side walk may be a hazard to pedestrians, you biking in the street is a hazard to you and to my mental health. People in cars aren't lazy germs, they just have a life and places to be. So there is only one "hand signal" that I would like to give you. I hate you.
The worst bar partner ever: This is the girl that you go to the bar with and end up having a shitty time no matter what. In scenario one, you go to the bar and she does not get any attention from any guys and her insecurities cause her to be bitter and pissed off the whole time. She complains the whole time and wants to leave and ruins your night. In scenario two, you go to the bar and some retard actually gives her the time of day and you no longer exist anymore. She is all over the guy and completely ignores anything else going on around her, thus again causing you to have a shitty time. So shitty bar partner, when you finally feel good enough about yourself to be able to go out and not depend on guys for a good time, call me. Until then, I hate you and am never going out with you again!!
Toppers: These are the people that always have to be better than everyone. No matter what anyone says to this person, they have got way to top you or make you wrong. If you just got a new job offer, they got three. If you make this much at your job, they make this much more. If you had this much fun this weekend, they had ten times more. No you didn't shit head. Half the things you are talking about are bull shit anyways. So if you want to make yourself feel better about you shitty, boring life, find some other way to do it because you are not impressing anyone. I hate you.
WOW, quite a bit of hate. But, then again, there can never be too much. That's why I need to you submit your hate to firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you for reading and join us again for fresh, new hate next week.