I am a love sage. I hold the answers to amore's toughest questions. I am possessed with the rare ability to repair a broken heart like an experienced auto mechanic. My words have the power to stitch up a used and shredded spirit. Like a rare balm, they soothe gaping, unrequited wounds. My words massage out the lactic acid that builds up in the love muscle of betrayal. I am a love sage.
Ok, so I am really just a 24 year old female who's never had a boyfriend, or been in love, and writes a "sex" column for a website intended for college students that is juxtaposed with lewd advertisements. Still, I do get a lot of e-mails from readers seeking my advice. I do not know why people think that this column qualifies me to give crucial personal guidance. I would think, after reading my tales, one would not want to follow in my romantic footsteps. Yet, lots of people write, and I respond with the confidence of a trained psychologist. Therefore, for my own legal protection, I will be adding this addendum to all future educational e-mails.
Upon reading the advice from one, Mindy Raf, please note that she has no clue what she is talking about. She studied European History and Theatre in college, and therefore is not an expert on the art of maintaining healthy relationships with yourself and those around you. I mean, come on people, her last long-term relationship with a man was in the 8th grade. It was three days. She has a fear of commitment and a history of stalker-like behavior towards the opposite sex. She's a mess, and is not responsible for any horrific or emotionally scaring outcome that has occurred as a result of her advice. In addition, she is not liable for any bodily injures that may have occurred when attempting the advice from any of her e-mails; especially those entitled, "Fun things to do with your body during your lunch break," "Stretching is overrated," and "Stop, Drop and Roll: feel like a hero in the bedroom." Moreover, when her advice backfires and subsequently ruins your life, please do not send her e-mails with "Die Bitch Die" in the subject line. This frightens Mindy Raf who has always stated to her readers that, "violence is never the answer."
With that out of the way, I would now like to respond to some of my favorite e-mails. Please note that there has been no editing for entertainment value, or proper grammar. These are the real deal (although e-mail addresses have been altered). Enjoy.
Mindy I'm no perv attracted to your breastss I love the real you. If you wee flat-chested. I would still love your breasts. I think we should meet. I am coming to ny. Do you have any full bodied pics on the net. Rock on.
I really appreciate the fact that you would love my breasts regardless of their size. Every time I feel frustrated with my love life and feel as if there is no one out there who understands me and is capable of loving me, I will think of you. I do not think we should meet. I fear that we would become attached to one another, and I am not ready for a long distance relationship right now. You're in luck though, I do send out full-bodied pictures of myself, but only after filling out the form below.
Rock on XXX69,
Full Body Picture Requirement Application
Name of childhood pet _____________
Home Address _____________
Favorite Primary Color _____________
Shoe Size ___
Social Security Number _____________
Date of Birth ___ ___ ___
Insurance Policy Number _____________
Land Mammal You Most Resemble___________
Please attach a 5 paragraph thesis essay explaining your reasons for wanting a full bodied picture of Mindy Raf along with three references and a check for $50 made out to "cash."
I,____________ verify that all of the information I have provided on this document is true, and I am fully responsible for its content.
If under 18, please have parent or legal guardian sign below.
I ___________ am the legal guardian of _____________ and allow him/her to obtain a full body picture of Mindy Raf. I support the efforts to obtain this image and will supervise any activities that take place as a result of this image.
Signature _____________ Date_____
(Mindy has the right to alter sent image, ie pasting her head on a more suitable body- and she in no way claims that the picture she sends accurately represents her image or physical likeness.)
I hate my girlfriend. I really can't stand her, but she gives amazing head. Sorry for being so personal but I need your advice. We've been dating about a year. I want to break up with her but I still want to hook up with her. I am torn. Do you think I'm an asshole for staying with her cause she kicks it in bed? She's boring and not to smart but she kicks it in bed. Totallly kicks it hard.
Hope you write back.
Sorry dude. You're an asshole. You think there's only one woman out there who can properly pleasure you and kick it in bed? Please! I think you're using the sex excuse because you fear being alone. You can't stand this girl and you're still dating her?! Pathetic. I understand that she really "kicks it hard" in bed, but you have to let her go. Maybe you're afraid that she's the only girl who will ever pleasure you voluntarily. And maybe that's true. And maybe after you dump her you'll be alone for the rest of your life and never have good sex again. That's just a risk you have to take.
Thanks so much for writing and take care. : )
Hey hey Mindy,
U up up babe? Whoo I? I am da guy who mailed u on havin it ou wid my gf's dog. I never heard from you ever since. Y? y u stopz? I guess u hav 2 bz a life don ya!!! Don ya!!!
take care uuus
I've read your e-mail over 20 times. I don't understand it. I'm sorry.
Thanks for writing,
Hi, I love your column. I think it's so funny. So, I'm a virgin and I'm 19 and my boyfriend is pressuring me to have sex. I think I want to wait but I don't want him to dump me. We have anal and it's ok but I just am not ready for sexual relationship right now. You know? If you have time to write back that would be so great.
Can't wait for the next column!
You sick hypocritical whore! Do you really think that letting a man thrust his genitalia up your butt does not quality as a sexual relationship? I don't know what your parents taught you, but technically you're not a virgin. In fact, I think you're being a tease by letting him in the back and then kicking him out of the front. Shame on you. Shame. Shame. Shame.
I'm so glad you like the column : )
(Ok, I didn't really send that advice nor do I advocate it. But, alarmingly, I've received a lot of e-mails from women who think that anal sex is not really sex and therefore you can't contract diseases from it. Ladies, ladies, ladies, have some common sense. It is, and you can.)
I've decided that I've never really loved your father after all. Last night we were coming out of the movie theatre and it was raining really hard and he said, "Kitty, get the car." It's been 28 years and I'm sick of getting the car.
Ps. I booked your flight home for thanksgiving, can't wait to see you!!!
Just tell dad to get the car next time. You guys need to communicate with each other more. He didn't leave when you had an affair with the Tony the exterminator, and you're not leaving him for this. See you soon! : )