Former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky's trial for child sex abuse will hear its closing arguments today. Early this morning, we found this note crumpled up in the men's bathroom at the courthouse:
It’s halftime, Jerry. Three minutes till the biggest battle of your life. It all comes down to this.
There is no denying you are down. You’ve already told Bob Costas and the entire country that you “enjoy” young people, so that’s not great. Then that second-quarter rally, where you rambled about not being NOT attracted to young boys, that wasn’t ideal either. But you’re gonna get up, and you’re gonna come from behind. Well, eesh, probably don’t put it like that. You know what I mean.
You’ve been playing the game of denying your attraction to little boys for ten years. And now, you got two more quarters and that’s it.
Look at me. I see you, with your goofy chipmunk face that always looks unsettlingly delighted, even when denying charges of child sex abuse. You were born to play this game. You have the touch. Huh, probably shouldn’t say “touch” too much on the stand. Noted.
You’re in Hell right now, man. These lawyers are against you, trying to make you seem like a big bad Goliath against their brave young David. I mean, not like, too young. Not inappropriate. Maybe Goliath takes showers with David, but that’s just how they get ready to fight each other. Where was I?
All it takes is one victory. If you went up there on the stand ten times, you might admit that you violated little boys, nine of the ten times. But not today. Just take what the lawyers said to say, and jam it down those jurors’ throats. Jam it in, hard. Ugh, what is wrong with me today?
I just have to get that hairless ball back. WOW, I do not know where that came from. That’s what living is: the three inches in front of your face. I mean, six inches. Six. The size of an ADULT penis. Boy, I gotta rape this up. WRAP. Wrap this up. Blow boy. I mean “oh boy!” I am sexually attracted to little boys!!
Let’s hit the showers.