Many young minds have been warped into thinking that killing hookers and stealing cars is perfectly acceptable behavior. Why? The answer lies in the biggest video game of all time: Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. The makers of this digi-hit have struck a chord with millions of young men who can really relate to the protagonist of the game. Hey, let's be honest, who hasn't needed to kill a cop with a chainsaw at some point in their life?
The popularity of "GTA San Andreas" has convinced Rockst*r games to go ahead and extend the GTA franchise even further. When the hype from San Andreas dies down, Rockst*r Games plans to release its much awaited follow-up; Grand Theft Lawnmower: Appalachia. We here at Collegehumor.com, being the leading voice in digital entertainment, have received an advanced copy. Here are some of the features of this much-anticipated release.
-The main character, Jed, must find his way back Sputterin' Creek, North Carolina after he accidentally falls in Shitbed Creek and is carried downstream to Clumpville, Georgia.
-Unlike the previous GTAs where characters had guns and bats, Jed is only equipped with a rusty bike chain and an old, dirty monkey wrench to protect himself.
-Sheriff Pigswill, riding atop his modified John Deere Tractor, hounds Jed every step of the way.
-Other than Sheriff Pigswill, Jed must also contend with Watermelon Heads (inbred yocals who live in the woods), Rabid Dogs (if killed and eaten, player awarded 25 points), and the dreaded Northern Yuppie (a white, upper-class man from Hartford who wants to open a Starbucks in Sputterin' Creek)
-While the characters in previous GTAs had to steal cars, Jed does not. Instead, he must assemble each of his vehicles from rusty parts strewn across front yards. "Big "'Ol Tractor" and "Rusty 84 TransAm" are two of the best.
-Instead of raping and killing hookers to get money, Jed rapes and kills his many sisters. He then steals the child support money he had to send them.
-For each bottle of moonshine Jed picks up, the player is awarded 50 points. For every dead raccoon Jed eats, the player is awarded 70 points. For every tooth Jed loses while fighting his wife, the player loses 100 health points.
-Voiceover work provided by Billy Bob Thorton, Kenny Chesney, Garth Brooks, and the entire cast of "Blue Collar TV."
-Player has optional "shirt on" and "shirt off" modes to choose from when running from police.
-Player can customize Jed's wardrobe from a pre-selected list of clothing options that include red trucker hat, "Daddy's little girl" T-Shirt from Goodwill, black tapered jeans with rip below ass cheek, mismatched Payless shoes, blue sweat rag tied to arm, half-empty cigarette pack for rolling in sleeve, and wrap-around sunglasses from 1982.
-Player can also customize Jed's hairstyle by choosing one of the following: mullet, Flobie™ home cut, greasy long hair (with or without rat tail), and the half-shave (with or without surgical scar from chainsaw incident).
-Soundtrack full of great Appalachian songs such as "I Aint Never Not Heard Of No Tele-Vision Before," "Hey Grandma, Wanna Do It?" and "That Squirell Looks Dern Tasty." The songs are chosen by adjusting the coat hanger antenna duct taped to Jed's vehicles.
"Grand Theft Lawnmower Appalachia" promises to be one of the hottest games of next year. Hailed as a forward-looking piece of interactive gaming, "Grand Theft Lawnmower Appalachia" will certainly make bank for Rockst*r Games and provide a whole generation with yet another embarrassingly derogatory stereotype. Hey, it's like Jed says throughout the game" "Dang it, and I thunk you weren't my sister. Oh-d-well, that was some good lovin anyways!"