Hiya, John. So sorry to hear that you're leaving. We all really wanted to thank you for all the really great work you've done while in office and let you know that you will be sincerely missed. Your iron, almost Stalin-like, will made this country great again and, with you leaving, there will be a great gaping hole to fill a great gaping hole that may allow our personal freedoms, which you hid down there, to escape. But now is not the time for such trivial matters. Everyone here got together and wrote down one thing that they really liked about you or your policies. So, Mr. Ashcroft, from the people of America to you" THANKS.
Billy Petti of Chicago wants to thank John Ashcroft for" The War in Iraq.
John, we all owe you a debt of gratitude for giving our President the motivation he needed to invade Iraq. Without your courage and conviction, we would have never been able to remove Saddam from power and confiscate all of his weapons of mass destruction" what? He didn't have any weapons of mass destruction? Well, we still needed a war and you found us one. Sure, we would have had Afghanistan without you, but that's not a real war. The great thing about the Iraqi war is that it has staying power. Hopefully, thanks to your genius, it will still be going on in twenty years. Thank you.
Mary Connolly of Albuquerque wants to thank John Ashcroft for" The Patriot Act.
I never knew how many freedoms I had before you took them all away. Thank you for making me realize how good I had it. Without the patriot act we wouldn't be able to identify terrorists or people who disagree with you" actually, those are basically the same thing. Now that people can be held in prison without trial or legal representation, we're finally honoring the Founding Father's dream of a totalitarian state where personal expression is a crime. And look at all the terrorist we've been able to apprehend with this amazing new law" three I think. Anyways, thank you for this great piece of legislation. I know I sleep a lot more comfortably at night now knowing that you're probably watching me from a satellite and monitoring all of my mail for "trigger" words.
Joe Santamiglio of New York City wants to thank John Ashcroft for" catching the bastard responsible for 9/11.
I'm a firefighter and I lost five of my closest friends when the twin towers fell. So, I just wanted to thank you for finally catching the bastard that did that to my city; Saddam Hussein. Justice has finally been served now that he is in custody and no longer free to plan terrorist attacks on America. The world truly is a safer place thanks to you. And, as if you haven't already done enough for us, you kill the men that flew the planes that day too so they can never perform another act of terrorism. From myself, on behalf of all New Yorkers, thank you for making sure that the man who killed so many innocent New Yorkers was captured. You can run Saddam, but you couldn't hide!
Tiffany Clotsburg of Campton, Oregon wants to thank John Ashcroft for" making sure my family knows how much danger we are in.
Before you took over, we never had a color chart to tell us what our chances are of dying that day. Thank you, John, for this important tool. Now that myself, my husband and our six-year-old daughter are scared senseless everyday, we aren't so quick to trust our neighbors of the "darker" variety, if you know what I mean. You finally stepped up and said, "'hey America, you had better be scared and buy stuff because the terrorist are going to strike at anytime now" just look at the color bar, it's at yellow today.' That's what's really important. Do you know what Mindy, my six-year-old, wants for Christmas this year? A HazMat suit. Isn't that the sweetest and most patriotic thing you've ever heard? She even wanted to leave cookies and gin out for you on Christmas Eve. So, from Mindy and myself, thank you.
John, you've done a great job. Don't let little things like the 9/11 Commission Report, the illusive Osama Bin Laden, the everlasting Iraqi War, national panic levels at their highest ever, or the death of liberty dampen your spirits. No matter what the rest of the world says, you're the best. Hey, I never liked speaking my mind anyway. Thank you, John Ashcroft" Thank you.