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Tenure Review for Fictional Teachers
By Julie Shain
- Tenure Review for Fictional Teachers Teacher: Ms. Frizzle Tenure: Accepted / Denied Comments: Teacher whimsically determines field trips based on her attire and habitually abandons students in impossibly dire circumstances; probable drug possession. Teacher: Ms. Edmunds Tenure: Accepted / Denied Comments: Music teacher has taken a student out on a romantic date, propelling a jealous classmate to hurdle to her death. Teacher: Professor Oak Tenure: Accepted / Denied Comments: Professor responsible for perpetuating animal abuse has manipulated a student into completing all the necessary research for his postdoc; student has gone missing, lives in forests, has become obsessive and abusive under professor’s watch. Teacher: Mrs. Donovan Tenure: Accepted /Denied Comments: Impersonal teacher makes whale-calls at students. Unintelligible. Teacher: Master Yoda Tenure: Accepted /Denied Comments: Teacher far beyond retirement age attempts to instill incorrect grammar in students. Teacher: Ms. Honey Tenure: Accepted /Denied Comments: Overly attentive teacher has kidnapped charming little girl by pressuring her parents into signing adoption papers. Teacher: Professor Dumbledore Tenure: Accepted /Denied Comments: Professor runs a shockingly unsafe institution in which the evil and the talentless are segregated from the go-getters in a non-academic setting, and the security guards are notoriously demented. Status change: Accepted /Denied Comments: No homophobe.