The 8 Worst People at Your Barbecue - Image 2

Whoa! Good thing I showed up, looks like no one else brought cole slaw. You'd almost think that people hate cole slaw, but that's crazy!


Well, you'll like THIS cole slaw. I promise. Let me lay it out for you: First they take the blandest, stinkiest cabbage, then they mix it with creamy mayonnaise, then, and here's the secret, they add even more mayonnaise until it's pretty much just mayonnaise with a few cabbage bits. Add a dash of sour-ass vinegar, and then, what the hell, sugar for no reason, and BOOM: cole slaw.

Anyway, I brought two gallons of this stuff, and I won't be eating any of it. But I bet other people will. If you can't bring yourself to throw all this food away at the end of the day, you can always put it in your fridge and let it slowly rot there for the next eight months. Man, cole slaw is the best.

The 8 Worst People at Your Barbecue - Image 2

Heavy breathing...

(Two hours later)

...Heavy breathing

The 8 Worst People at Your Barbecue - Image 2

Well, it's been fun. Thanks for letting me stay here, eat your food, and make a huge mess. Now, before I go ... you may recall that I brought a six-pack of beer when I got here. Is that still floating around? I was keeping an eye on it, and I think there are still five beers left. So I'll just be taking that back with me. Wow, looks like a lot of people left their beer here! Either they're a bunch of lazy chumps who don't want to bother bringing this home, or they're intentionally leaving it here as a token of gratitude toward the host for spending so much time, money, and energy on this party. Probably the first one. There's no way you could drink all this, so I'm just going to take one of these other beers to replace the one that was drunk. Oh, perfect. And let's see, I was over here for about five hours, that's five hours that I could have spent working and making money. So, let's say I make about $15 per hour, times five hours, that's about $75 you owe me. You don't have to pay me now, but before the end of the month would be great.

No checks.

The 8 Worst People at Your Barbecue - Image 2

Heeeeeeey! Guess who's finally here! It's me! And I could really go for a hot dog. Now, I know I'm a little late, but that doesn't mean we can't use half a bag of charcoal to cook two ounces of meat. And it'll only take two minutes to cook (42 minutes if you count the time spent bringing the grill up to heat).

Hey, you called it a barbecue, which means you're contractually obligated to give me freshly grilled meat.

Sure it does! Come on, all you were doing was 'sleeping' because the party 'ended' twelve hours ago. I'm just asking for one hot dog. Is that too much to ask? Okay, how about half a hot dog, but you have to use twice the charcoal for some reason. And if you could whip up some potato salad, that would be real sweet. Thanks, man, you're the best. I'm not even that hungry.