On Saturday I went to a bar in Murray Hill called Joshua Tree. It's kind of a scene, but they play 80's music and they show videos: so it's fun. Usually when I go out to a bar I really concentrate on trying to meet my soul mate, but that night I decided to take time off from my quest and have some fun messing with some of the douche bags that hit on me.

My Breasts Don't Talk
Guy: Hey, I like your sweater
Mindy: No you don't. You just like how it makes my breasts look. But thank you.
Guy: (looks taken aback, fidgets a little, then walks away)

If you can't think of good opening line, just smile.
Guy: Don't you just love 80's music?
Mindy: Yup I just love 80's music.
Guy: Me too.
Mindy: Me too.
Guy: The love the 80's. I so totally love the 80's.
Mindy: Do you think the reason you find comfort in the past is because you're unhappy with who you've become, or do you suddenly have an affinity for the 80's because VH1 made it cool?
Guy: (looks taken aback, fidgets a little, then walks away)

You think your aggressive sex talk scares me?!
Guy: I like the way you handle that beer bottle?
Mindy: Excuse me?
Guy: You put your whole mouth around it. That's hot. (He actually winks at me, as if to say-"ha ha I made a blowjob reference. Ha ha")
Mindy: Thanks! When I don't have a penis in my mouth, I feel kind of useless. You know, the whole "why am I here" kinda thing?" So I suck on the beer bottle like this (I put as much of it as I can in my mouth) and I pretend I'm pleasuring some guy who treats me really bad, like maybe beats me, or doesn't kiss me after I've gotten him off. It makes me feel, as a woman in this world, like I have some purpose other than procreation. You know what I mean?
Guy: (looks taken aback, fidgets a little, and then walks away)

For real?
Guy: So what do you do?
Mindy: Stand-up comedy.
Guy: For real?
Mindy: No, not for real just in my head. I'm actually in med school. I do internal stand-up routines when I'm assisting surgery.
Guy: For real?
Mindy: No, I'm actually studying to be model.
Guy: Oh, cool. Wow! Very cool. Where do you study?
Mindy: Catwalk Community College. CCC. It's downtown, near NYU.
Guy: Oh.
Mindy: I'm the only one under 5'5'' in my graduating class, but my professor says I have "magic eyes" and that I'll go far as a petite print model.
Guy: Cool. (awkward pause) For real?
Mindy: No, dude. No.

I'm sorry, but you asked.
Guy: Hi
Mindy: Hi
Guy: Do you think that guy's gay?
Mindy: Which one?
Guy: The one talking to the blonde over there?
Mindy: I think so, but you never know.
Guy: He better be! That's my girlfriend.
Mindy: Oh.
Guy: She's so hot. Look at her! She is soooo hot! How did someone so hot end up with someone like me?
Mindy: Do you have money? Some chicks are turned on by money. I'm not, but a lot of people are. Is she an actress? Actress types are really insecure and they sometimes go for guys a lot less attractive than them. Do you work in television or film? Do you sing in a band? Those things will get you a good looking girl no matter how unattractive you are. Have you guys ever hooked up when she was sober? Maybe she has no idea what you really look like. Maybe she's just lonely. Oh! Maybe she's using you to get to one of your more attractive friends. Maybe she's not that "'hot' without all that makeup on? Maybe she likes insecure guys? Oh! Do you have a kick ass apartment, a really cute dog, or a famous relative? Maybe you just treat her really well, and she's never met a guy who actually treats her well, and she wants you because of who are and not because you fit into some shallow societal mold. Maybe you're lucky enough to have found one of those rare, good looking women, who isn't aware of her hotness; who doesn't even like having her picture taken.
Guy: I do treat her really well.
Mindy: I was just kidding towards the end there. (I chuckle to myself) She's definitely using you to get to one of your more attractive friends.



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Dear collegehumor readers,
I am in the process of writing another "Dear Mindy" column.
I am hoping to go beyond the realm of relationships, and am willing to share my innermost secrets with you, my readers. So, if you have any questions you would like included in the column, put them the comment section of my blog- //thisisnotreallyablogforreal.blogspot.com.

lots of sincere love,
Mindy

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Mindy's Blog
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