Hello Mr. Seidell, I hear you're looking for an apartment in Manhattan. Ok, ok, great. Now, are you employed? I see, so you'll start as soon as you graduate? Great, now do you have a roommate? Ok, is she employed? Good, good. Well, I think I can help. Now, tell me, what are you looking for? So, two bedrooms, good neighborhood, laundry, kitchen, working bathroom and a window or two for under $2,200. Ok, hold on just a second while I go through the listings.
Ah, I don't see anything that fits exactly what you're looking for, but I do have some that are similar, would you like to hear them? Ok, well first I have an amazing two bedroom with lots of light and plenty of room. Does it have electricity? Well no, but there is a garbage can that you can burn newspaper in for heat. No? Ok, ok, no problem, I have plenty of other places. Oooh, here's one you guys might be interested in: $2,100, one bedroom with Styrofoam wall that makes it a two bedroom and it comes with a George Foreman grill for cooking. Is the neighborhood safe? Well, there hasn't been any serious crime there in over a month. What's a serious crime? You know, murder, rape, that kind of stuff. No?
Now, this one I think you'll really like. It's in an elevator building in a great neighborhood. Does the elevator work? Well no, not really, but you can take your chances. Anyways, the bedrooms are big enough to fit a whole chest of drawers! What size bed can fit in them? They're not actually big enough for a bed of any kind, but the kitchen has plenty of room for a cot if that's ok? Oh, I see, you actually want to sleep in the bedrooms. Ok, ok, that narrows it down a bit.
Wait, hold on just a second" .Yes, ok, this is great. I just got this listing right now. It's not even on the market yet. I have a wonderful space right in lower Manhattan with plenty of room. It has north, south, east AND west exposure, river views; it's really airy. And, the best part is, rent is only $300 per month! Where is it? It's right under the Brooklyn Bridge. Well, no, it's not actually an apartment, per se; it's more of an open air residence. Yeah, it's just a plot of land under the bridge. But I could set you up with a great tent-rental agency that could get you a HUGE tent for real cheap. Oh, and he has lanterns and little gas grills too. No? Are you sure? This place will go quickly. Ok, ok, suit yourself.
Ah, I have one more place you may want to consider. It's a pre-war brownstone on a tree-lined block right in the heart of downtown. The rent? It's $1,900 per month and that includes utilities. It's two real bedrooms big enough to fit king sized beds and has a massive living room and separate kitchen. It's already hard-wired for internet and cable, and you guys would be the first to know about it. Does that place sound ok to you? Really" really, you'll take it? Great, great. Ok, so the next step is just all the simple stuff paper work, applications, credit checks, etc and we should be able to move you in right away. Oh, yes, I forgot, there is a broker's fee on this place. No, it's not that much. Let's see, it's just $13,000 up front and then an additional $2,000 if you choose to live there longer than three weeks. Oh, and of course, there's the application fees which shouldn't be more than a few thousand dollars. It's all just standard procedure. Well, it may sound pricey but that's the best deal anyone can offer. I see, I see, why yes, we do have some properties in New Jersey.