Hey there, gang. Long time no see. George W. Bush squashed us two weeks ago (dude, we all know you're fucking up social security, the environment, and the greater portion of the Middle East. Don't tell us about it on Thursday at 8:00pm); my laziness took precedent last week. Laziness is also the reason this column will be approximately 50% shorter on content and humor than usual, but cut me some slack: it's our big, pre-graduation party weekend here, and I'm most certainly drunker than Kirsten was when she got dummied by that 18-wheeler rig (a .08 BAC? What is this, amateur hour? Hold your liquor better than that, darling!)
In any event, my friends Travis, Dan, Michael, and Sam (hello egregious shout-out) were all sitting around last night drinking Everclear punch that Michael made with REAL FRUIT PIECES (hello egregious rage call)*, eagerly anticipating the start of this week's episode. What a fucking buzz kill. I mean, rape, death, alcoholism, matrimonial discord""when did the OC get so dark? Watching Kirsten pick up the bottle of vodka at the end of the show and stumble away from Sandy was almost enough to make me put down my drink.
After last week's rollercoaster double feature, though, it was nice to get a little calm before the storm. The eye of the hurricane, if you will. Okay I'm filibustering like it's going out of style (haaaa), so I'll cut to the chase. The Seth-Zach double switch was cute, as was the prom scene (for some reason, the "Seth Cohen is a tool!" background shouts killed me. Very accurate portrayal of high school). Julie Cooper officially made the leap from purgatory to God's good side with her last-ditch efforts to save Caleb, despite the fact that his death was obviously in her best financial interest. Trey is officially the biggest scumbag alive, Theresa acted completely opposite of every girl I've ever met by telling Ryan to trust Marissa, and George Lucas' neck looked like it was some sort of weird CGI effect. Seriously, did anyone else notice that? That exchange between him and Seth was one of the most unintentionally funny things I've ever seen.
See? I told you this column was going to suck. Till next week.
*email him at Michael.firstname.lastname@example.org for the recipe.