This morning on the subway I found myself sharing a car with an extremely intoxicated man. He was short and mostly bald, wearing a pair of overalls that matched his shoes. I couldn't really judge him for being drunk at 9 am, as I remember many a class in college that had to be exited for the mid-morning vomit. But this man was flat out shitfaced. He was drooling all over himself and couldn't manage to speak more than a few words of gibberish. After watching this guy in disgust for almost twenty minutes, I came to a sudden realization. This was not a drunken man after all! It was a tiny baby, and his mom was holding him tightly and yelling at me to stop staring at her child.
Now I know what you're thinking, that there is no way I could have mistaken a newborn infant for a drunken person. To you I say "Shut up, it's the clever set-up for my article on how babies act exactly like drunk people." Here's how:
Lack of Focus Babies can't focus on anything for more than 5 seconds before being distracted. I tried to have a conversation with one the other day and it was SO. DAMN. ANNOYING. I was like "yeah, so that's how I think we should solve the world's hunger issues. What do you think?" and the baby was all like "oh I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't listening." Then I punched the baby in the face. Yeah, drunk people are like that, too.
Loss of Motor Skills Drunk people shouldn't drive because their response time is severely lowered. Babies shouldn't drive because when they sneeze their whole body jerks uncontrollably and that would probably cause a serious, serious accident.
Random Napping If there is one thing babies love, it's hanging out in their own poop. If there are two things, the second is napping. Babies will go to sleep wherever and whenever they damn well please. If you try to tell a baby that he shouldn't nap in the car, he will literally bite your entire hand off. If you try telling your drunken friend that under the toilet in your dorm bathroom might not be the best place to rest his head, you're sure to get a similar reaction. No joke. I'm seriously typing this article with one hand.
Pissing Everywhere Babies pee their pants all the time. But it's ok because they're wearing diapers. Drunk people don't seem to realize this and instead take the liberty of peeing wherever they deem appropriate be it in their laundry hamper, in their bed, on the floor, in the corner of their roommate's closet, on other drunk people, anywhere really. So long as it's not the actual toilet, because really, how much sense would THAT make. Oh yeah, a lot of sense.
Fascination With the Stupident Things Babies can play with their left big toe for three hours straight and be completely happy. Likewise, a drunk person can spend the greater half of a night out flirting with someone who looks like a big toe and be completely happy.
Really Bad Ideas Sure babies stick their fingers in light sockets and swallow single-socket Legos, but at least they don't do so "because someone double dared them to." But I give babies the benefit of the doubt on this one. I seriously doubt that a baby would put on their dog's collar and run through an electrical fence "just to see how it feels." Not only because it's a terrible idea, but because they physically lack the ability to run.
But there is one main difference between drunkards and babies, and it is thus. Even in their infantile state, babies know when a hideously repulsive person is coming in to give them a kiss. That's when they cry. Come to think of it, drunk people could learn a thing or two from babies in this regard. Think of how many shameful hookups could be avoided if instead of closing your eyes and giving in you just started crying whenever someone ugly got within a foot of your face. In fact, I'm going to start trying that from now on.