So you wanna be the big man on campus in '05-'06?

First of all, never use the term "big man on campus." Only lame dads and outrageously hot moms say things like that. Secondly don't wear clever t-shirts. Instead, try a catholic school boy's jacket and tie uniform. I'm talking grey slacks peoples. You're out of high school. You are technically now a grown-up.

Embrace it. Chicks dig it when a guy doesn't look like he's going over to Matt Papera's house to play San Andreas in his furnished basement for 8 straight hours. Chicks also hate being called chicks.

The truth is, they prefer the term gutterslut. Walk up to a gutterslut repping your navy blue blazer, a crisp Oxford, and some diagonal striped love on your tie, and you are guaranteed to be three fingers deep by nightfall.

Don't EVER ask a girl, "so… what's your major?" You may as well tell her, "so… I'm a douchetit with a mole infested birthmark for a dick." There will be tons of parties your first four weeks to four years of college, and there will be tons more guys asking disinterested girls what their major is. A great thing to say to a girl (er, gutterslut rather) is, "Yo, your hair looks really hot tonight, can I do something real quick that I've wanted to do since the first second I saw you?" Then you take your hand and place it on the back of her neck. Slide your hand up into her hair seperating your fingers like teeth to a comb. Stop about a third of the way up the back of her head. Now let your fingers run through her hair and place that same hand on the small of her back. Say something like, "you're fantastic" or, "wow, you're amazing." After that, she's putty in your hands. Feel free to whip your wang out and tell her to change lipstick colors three times during so your shit looks snowconish.

If you are not bold enough to try that technique, here's something that might tickle your fancy pants. Go to the quad. If your school does not have a quad, the caf could work but I recommend transferring immediately to a school with a quad. Bring with you a frisbee, an aroebie, a hackysack, some devil sticks, a soccer ball, and any other random hippy sporting good. Now set all that shit on fire. Feel free to throw the aroebie as far as you can to nowhere or on top of an administration building. All the while you're doing this, you should be screaming, "I am not impressed! I am not impressed!" You may not be, but trust me Jack, that gaggle of guttersluts sure is.

Finally, my last piece of sage wisdom is for those of you who will be actually attending class. Sit as close to the hot chick as humanly possible and pass her notes. Nobody passes notes in college. That is so high school. But it actually works! You could even cheesewiz it up by writing, "do you think this professor will let me sleep with him/her for an A? check yes or no." If she likes you and checks a box and passes back, then you toss her, "will you let me sleep with you for an A?" Now quite literally check her box. Nice. Hit 'em and hit 'em quick friends. By senior year they will be like a hobo convention, trampy.

Remember, stay in school (as long as possible) and say no to drugs (that people expect payment for). Rule on rulers, rule on.