Having a job in college is what separates us from the animals. (what ?) More often than not, your job will be menial, embarrassing and very low paying. There's nothing I can do about the embarrassing and menial part, you knew what you were getting yourself into when you applied to be a naked couch mover. However, there is a way to increase your salary. Asking for a raise is one of the hardest things to do, but when executed correctly can be very effective. Here is exactly what you need to do:
StepONE: Build up the courage. Getting mentally prepared to ask your boss for a raise is probably the toughest part, so you will need to train. For the week leading up to your big question, perform a series of increasingly nerve-wracking tasks so that asking for a raise becomes less of a "big deal." I suggest streaking through a funeral on day one, and skywriting racial slurs over inner-cities by day seven. Suddenly "I think I should get paid more" doesn't seem so scary now, does it champ?
StepTWO: Practice, Practice, Practice, Practice. Anybody will tell you that the most important preparedness technique is "Practice Practice Practice," but asking for a raise is such a big deal that I added one more important "practice." That's right, four times the practice means four times the preparedness. Practicing four times will ensure that you have indeed "made perfect." There are no shortcuts in the race towards a raise.
StepTHREE: Baby Steps. Asking for a raise is a monumental question, so instead, start small, and ask for a raisin. It may seem silly, but asking for a raisin is a great first step to an even more important question. "I think I've been working here long enough, and that I deserve a raisin." It sounds so much like the real thing, but it's a commitment that your boss will have no reason to refuse. Congratulations, you are one dehydrated grape closer to glory.
StepFOUR: Execute. Raisin in hand, you now have the confidence to approach your boss a clear, confident worker. Have faith in yourself. He's already given you a raisin, why wouldn't he now give you a raise? Tell yourself "They're basically the same thing. They're both delicious. They can both make me happy. Why the heck not?" You are worth more than your meager salary, and its time to make that known! Be courteous, forthright and honest. If your boss tells you that he cannot afford to keep you at an increased salary, then tell him he has two weeks to find your replacement. You are too proud to keep working for that son of a bitch.
And don't worry, there are plenty of jobs out there. May I recommend one at the raisin factory?
Join me next week when I give my pointers on asking a woman to marry you. Including step five: asking "Will you bury me?" to build up confidence.