I know many readers of this site are in college, saw the title of this article, and exclaimed, "I don't need a guide, I'm never leaving college. NEVER!" Listen up Peter Pan, I'll begin by crushing your dreams of being that husky, balding, 27-year-old creep hanging around the frat house claiming to be a magician who makes passed out chicks disappear. That guy already exists and is unhappily doing time in a Nashville slammer.

Thus, ultimately you're going to join the real world (what I like to call Never Never-Get-A-Job Land) and eventually you will make the trek back to your former college, expecting to be greeted with an alliterative fanfare of booze and boobies. (Much like this website's Pictures section, except hopefully the boobies have heads.) So here are some "RE – "s to re-mind you how to act.

Return – Like your haphazard life, don't plan anything; go on a whim! Maybe it'll be a Friday night after your mom threw away your best porno mag and your pop caught you smoking, and he said, "No way!" And you're like, "That fucking hypocrite smokes TWO packs a day." Also, if your dad looks and acts like a white Carl Winslow, he's totally like my dad.



Response – Prepare to be bombarded by a chorus of, "Didn't you graduate?" People will not make the intuitive leap that you're visiting because your real world life consists of sharing a room with your little brother, getting bossed around by white Carl Winslow and sipping Rolling Rocks with 35-year old coworkers who think they're cool by calling you "dawg" and bragging about the Chingy song on their faggy mini iPod. Therefore, have a witty response when asked if you graduated. I'm not going to tell you what to say, but I will tell you a punch in the face really gets a point across. Oh, and answering with a phrase like "Graduating in five years is like leaving a party at 10 o'clock, dude" will have you leaving the party at 10 o'clock. With a punch. In the face.

Reunion – This will follow right after people ask if you graduated. Reuniting with some people is cool, for example, I enjoyed sucking face with my former college love: Elle McFunnelson. But beware of the exclamations, hugs and awkwardly inappropriate butt slaps from every other ass-hat you drunkenly bump into.

Readjust – This was particularly hard for me. Since leaving college, my last big social bender was a summer office party. What's an office party like, you ask? Picture your grandfather with a raging boner; it's awkward! Imagine a family reunion where your drunk and crusty aunts hit on you and invite you to "explore the experienced side of the company." Therefore, when released back into the wild, expect to go into berserker mode. Planning ahead, I'd recommend slapping a Hannibal Lector mask on your face. I found after chugging my second beer, that voice from NBA Jam started egging me on, proclaiming, "He's heating up!" By my third, I was streaking around campus, trailed by a wake of fire.

Rebel Rebel – How could they know? Hot tramp, I love you so!

Rejoice! – You're back, welcomed, adjusted and sick of my late-"'80s/early-"'90s song references. Only thing left to do is paint the town awesome. Regardless of what you majored in while in college, now that you graduated, your major is embarrassing yourself. So get out there and spread some real world life like you'll later be spreading the legs of a freshman floozy. Good luck fathering/mothering/leaving-on-a-doorstep-and-running some illegitimate children!