We here at CollegeHumor love Halloween, but every year it's almost ruined by people in crappy costumes. Thank God our very own Style Guys are here to give these clowns some constructive criticism.
Girl Who Just Wears Cat Ears:
Oh wow, look at all that effort. Did that take you a whole eight seconds, honey? Look lady, there are people at this party who took hours, HOURS getting ready. Throwing on a slutty skirt, black top, ears and calling yourself a "sexy cat" doesn't cut it around here. We're grownups now, so start acting like one and paint some goddamned whiskers on your acne-scarred cheeks, bitch.
You fucking slut. Why don't you get a goddamned job? You are a lazy, and filthy whore. Your mother would be ashamed of you if she were alive today. But she's dead, and it's more than probably your fault.
Guy that wears his club sports uniform:
My God, dude, how did you ever get a hold of all those lacrosse pads? Oh, that's right, you play lacrosse! D- for effort, asshole. Next year why don't you try leaving your room to get a costume. It's not like anyone even cares about the club Lacrosse team anyway; how many people were at your last game? And no, your parents don't count.
Go home you filthy, anti-social, bug-eyed, moronic, foul-smelling, groan-inducing, reject. Go fucking home. Nobody wants you here. Just go home!
Guy Who Just Wears A Mask:
Ok, you're halfway to not being a dickhead but only halfway. Wearing your normal clothes and putting on a wrestling mask doesn't count as wearing a costume, moron. Maybe if you had put on shorts and some boots I'd buy this costume, but somehow I just can't picture a famous wrestler strutting around the ring in jeans and a wife beater, looking like he just dropped out of high school God, you're white trash.
Why are you here? Do you know anybody here? Oh, really, who? You just casually pointed at the crowd of people over there! You're mask should have a giant swastika on it because that's the only way people at this school could possibly like you less.
Guy in Bad Drag:
Look at you; your parents must be proud. What's bad about this costume isn't the subject matter drag is a fantastic idea for Halloween and your day-to-day life it's the lack of effort. If you want to be a woman, be a woman, asshole: put on makeup, wear a wig, get a dress that fits and match those motherfuckin' shoes. Putting on an ill-fitting dress and painting your nails with sharpie you isn't a costume, it's a cry for help.
I wish you were dead. Honestly. I'm not even saying that to be funny or anything, I honestly, and truthfully wish that you were dead. Cancer or something. Or a car accident, whatever.
Random Face Paint Person:
What the hell are you supposed to be? An idiot, it appears. No, standing in front of a mirror and smearing face paint on your ugly mug doesn't count as dressing up. It does, however, count as being a complete douche, which you've done quite well. Next year, why don't you pick a design for your face paint like "member of KISS" or "Clown" instead of looking like a used piece of toilet paper. Oh, and last time I checked mustaches aren't blue, retard.
Listen to me. When I was six years old I fell off a three story high jungle gym and landed on my face, neck, and spine. The pain was immeasurable and doctors said that I would never breathe again. It would not be an understatement to say that I would rather feel that pain every second of every day for the rest of my life then have to take one more casual glance in your direction and see the shitty-ass abstract watercolor creation you decided to paint directly onto your cheek.
Random Clothing Guy:
Look at this jackass. He went in his closet and grabbed every piece of ugly clothing he had. He's wearing a rainbow pom-pom, an orange army jacket, a fishing hat and probably four or five watches on his stupid little arms. If you ask him what he is, he'll say "an eccentric" or "I dunno." The real answer to that question however is "a failure" a miserable failure."
If every wife lost her husband on the same day, and then the aggregate sadness of every single widow were to manifest itself into a costume, I could only imagine it would resemble exactly what you are currently wearing.
Girl in wig:
Well, at least everyone at the party now knows what you'd look like with blue hair, lazy bitch.
Next. Please, just" let's move on.
Guy Who Goes As "A Guy":
This is truly the lowest of the low. If you're not going to dress up then don't pretend like you did by saying something stupid like "I'm going as a college guy," or "I went as myself." Well guess what Bro, it looks to me like you went as a shithead, because that's what you are. Seriously, you're such a shithead I can't even begin to get into it. You make me sick, shithead.
It is predicted that in the year 2789 of our Lord, a giant meteor the size (but not shape) of Asia Minor will come hurling towards earth at a rate so rapid that by the time the trajectory is figured out by futuristic mathemastronauts the giant death rock will have already collided with our planet sending each and every one of its inhabitants bursting into millions of microscopic flesh pieces that Well I don't wanna ruin it for you, but let's just say you're costume is ugly.
Join the Style Guys next time when they review the Worst Semi-Religious Holidays of 2005! "Ugh, Is It Kwanza Time Again?"